SKY high and screwed

SKY sucks. There, I’ve said it. After more than 17 years as a satisfied customer, the bogus wheels of the satellite industry have crushed me. More than fourteen thousand of my hard-earned pounds have poured into SKY coffers in that time. Now I’m left high and dry. Sky high and screwed.

Moving house this month — some 200 yards up the road from the old home — reveals that we have poor reception. As we pay for multi-room service (and the SKY monthly bill being a moveable feast, oh yeah!) a call is put into SKY to ascertain what needs to be done to rectify the situation.

“Mr Lloyd,” says the kindly customer service operative. “Having been with us for so many years, and that you are a VIP customer, I cannot believe you haven’t yet been offered our SKY Q package.” This information is delivered out of the blue, unrequested and under no duress from myself whatsoever. No bitching or whining on my part.

Too good to be true, right? But my worries are quickly allayed. “SKY Q, plus our superfast broadband, is all yours at an extra cost of just £1 a month on top of your present bill. You’re welcome, just think of it as a thank-you for all your many years of loyalty.”

A SKY engineer visits days later and reports — quite understandably — that the company’s health & safety policies dictate that he cannot mount our roof to install the requisite SKY Q compatible dish. Seeking a second opinion, a separate SKY engineer is despatched. “No dice. No way. No can do…” says he.

BOTH engineers advised that I engage an independent third party engineer to install the outdoor hardware (ie the SKY Q dish), then the SKY team would be delighted to do the rest. Tickety boo.

Within minutes of the indie aerial specialist’s successful installation of the new dish, I get a call from SKY…: “We cannot give you SKY Q. The dish was NOT installed by SKY, therefore we cannot maintain it, therefore we cannot give you SKY Q. You were given incorrect information by the SKY engineers. Er, sorry about that…We are conducting an urgent inquiry about this. I’m afraid there’s nothing we can do about it….”

So, here’s the rub. I am out of pocket to the tune of £230 to get the (erroneously) advised satellite dish equipment installed; have spent the King’s share of three days at home waiting for various engineers and experts to show up and… and… still have zero TV reception whatsover… for which I am still being charged the Kingly sum of seventy of Her Majesty’s Sterling. £70 in new money.

It gets better… My chum at SKY customer service now tells me I need to get the independent engineer back out and, at MY PERSONAL EXPENSE, change the SKY Q dish back to Old Skool settings, just so we can watch telly again. “There’s nothing we can do about it…”

I despair. Euripides said that when one with honeyed words but evil mind persuades the mob, great woes befall the state. And Christopher Hitchens opined: “Allow a friend to believe in a bogus prospectus or a false promise and you cease, after a short while, to be a friend at all.”

I prefer my personal soliloquy: “SKY sucks!”