Falling in Love with Loneliness

I have lost count the number of times I have felt alone or lonely in the past three months. Typical of the initial post-break up period and from someone that has had their share of relationships and experience of depression. I was no stranger to loneliness. In an ironic way, I knew it so well that it felt like a companion to me. I definitely fit the labeled of a “serial monogamous”, often battling loneliness with a new relationship, without having the maturity to realize that was never part of the recipe for a lasting relationship. Other coping mechanisms included lots of tears, living with the pain, comfort food, and binge-watching TV. There as even a period in my life where I could not sleep without the lights on, and will only turn it off if someone else was in the room. You can say I lived with loneliness and spent whatever energy I had battling it.

Except, this time, I decided to do something different. For once, while the feeling of loneliness overwhelmed me, I decided to confront it. Instead of

for someone to
save me,
hold me,
love me,
I decided that someone would be me.

Why look for someone else to do those things for me, when I know I’m capable of doing those very things? I have the ability to care, love, cherish, and bring joy to others since I do have a good group of friends that have stuck by me through thick and thin. So if I can do that for others, why not myself? Instead of looking for someone else to comfort me, I can comfort myself since I know myself best. Instead of looking for someone to love me so I can feel worthy, I need to love myself or else I will never feel worthy. Instead of looking for someone to hold me at night, I can just wrap myself up in warm blankets. So many things in life can give you that exact same feeling as you get from someone else wrapping their arms around you, looking at you with loving eyes, and showing they care.

Before someone starts saying this is the typical “I’m a strong single girl” post-breakup post, I want to say I am still looking for my other half. I love being in relationships because you can connect with someone on a different level, cultivate a life together, and push each other to be better. I enjoy relationships and that has not changed. I have just come to realize, I don’t need a relationship to be happy. I don’t need a relationship to know I am loved. I don’t need a relationship to get rid of loneliness. These things I am afraid of are things I can do on my own. The more I realize that, the more I take care of myself so I can better love someone in the future.

I want to be that girl. The one someone falls in love with because she’s flawed but knows she’s worthy of love. She knows she can give and add to someone’s life without compromising who she is. That girl is someone I think is worthy of finding love and able to commit forever.

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