Merry Christmas Ya Filthy Animal

Merry Friggin Christmas…just kidding. But seriously, Joyeux Noel, Buon Natale or however else you say it. I can’t tell you or begin to describe the feelings of giddiness that course through my glitter plagued veins this time of year. The lights, snow and excitement leading up to Christmas are magical. No other time of the year can compare except maybe a night spent at a discotheque in the middle of winter drinking bourbon (clearly, I’m in experienced when it comes to these things). In honour of Pere Noel and everything Christmas, I thought I would compile a list of the things I wanted from Santa or anyone else that can perform miracles.

1. An indefinite vacation: Working on the corner of holy-sheezeballs-I-can’t-wait-to-get-out-of-here seriously cramps my style. I am so down for a 5 year vacation or maybe a lifetime if it means escaping an eternal jail. It’s not fair that I have to work like an overzealous unicorn 50 weeks of the year to get only 2 weeks of vacation!

2. More money: Most gangsters live by the belief that mo money results in mo problems. Okay, in some cases this is true. A lonely existence, depression and material obsession are all downsides of financial wealth but this won’t happen to me. Mo money, less work. Less work, mo vacation. Mo money also means I can stop living like a peasant. Mo money? No problem!

3. New feet: I am thankful for the ability to walk, but trying to find anything in size 11 has proved harder than I thought. In fact, it’s almost like looking for holy grail on a graffiti covered bathroom stall with Mandy’s number scrawled upon it. My feet are gorgeous but they could have been smaller. I am just putting it out there.

4. Purses and jewellery: A girl can never have too many. No description needed.

It seems like I don’t have my priorities or sanity in check, but whoever said that Christmas had to be as sobering as the world makes it? If I want to dream of unicorns prancing around meadows and me having smaller feet, then let me. A girl can dream. It’s a free world people!