Can I tell you something? I’ve got to ask you.

Can I tell you I’ve been on my head since you responded so quickly after 15 years? Literally. I really don’t have the vocabulary to express it the way it deserves and it’s frustrating the shit out of me. So how do I explain.

I’m on that one mushroom trip when I was 17. Inconceivably high. So low. Scared. So excited. Heart racing. Eyes wide. Sad. Nauseous. Happy. Can’t sleep. Forget to eat. Waking up in a thick fog for days.

I’ve been pushed deep down the reflection rabbit hole. Far beyond our relationship so so far away. And when I speak to you now, it feels like we never left the city. Can that be? Should it be? Why am I surprised? Am I surprised?

I’m not able to digest everything that was thrown out like a grenade onto the table. It’s out there. ALL of it. Out in the metaverse never to be deleted. Even though you still tried.

I don’t know how to hold it. I want to cradle it and protect it. Kiss it. Hug it. Suffocate it. Close the door behind it.

As good mushrooms go, I’m finding my state altered enough to sweat the small stuff but able to put it on the side. Making way for the big bright haloed glow around us. Thank the Earth I microdosed and didn’t ingest the whole bag on my own. I’m not 17 anymore. Growth and progress!

Going back to those 3 years. What an arrogant prick. Thinking they were a sliver. They’re now telling me to fuck off, bringing my 44 years into a sharp kaleidoscope focus.

Sharing each side of our coin. As we see it. As we remember it. Face to face. Without blame. Without anger. Ok, fine, some regret.

How you received me after I had the nerve to reach out. I didn’t know. I wasn’t sure. It was totally random. But maybe a sign of the times. Warmth and acceptance. Unapologetic vulnerability. People really don’t change.

Looking back at my existence now. The choices I made. The choices I’m making.

Grateful feels shallow. But not a gift. Handed to me on a silver platter. And I’m going to open it like so. Cautiously. Slowly. Preciously.

I can almost see how I ended up here. Can I really go back to what is still so clear from 15 years ago? The bright shiny memories that I thought to turn out.


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