Dues to oneself

Sindhu Mahadevan
Jul 28, 2017 · 3 min read

I was alone today, on a rainy day, which was picturesque in a way that seemed to reveal itself only to my eyes. As always, in the dreary grey of clouds pregnant with rain, I saw colours truly blossom, unbleached by the overpowering sun. In the wetness of the pouring rain, I saw a landscape washed clean of its accumulated fatigue. Amidst yawns from co-workers and trips to refill coffee mugs, I recognized the warmth of a smile that shone on my own face.

Typically on a day like this, I celebrate the vitality that only rain can kindle in me. The ritual involves a run to the local Indian bakery for samosas, a fried savoury pastry, for me and my husband to enjoy with chai that I lovingly make.

A simple event, in the joy of whose innocence I never fail to discover the cherished delight of small pleasures; and never fail to be surprised at this discovery. Every, single time.

But today was different. I was alone.

As a person, to whom the sanctity of such nameless joys has never needed rational validation…I hesitated.

It is too much work” I told myself.

You know parking around the shop is a problem”

“You’ll get late going home and be stuck in traffic”

Having done this enough times to have lost count, today was the day my consciousness chose to dwell on the constraints and inconveniences of the whole thing. And if I felt any triumph at all at having overcome this mental barrier and finally deciding to go buy them for myself, it was quickly extinguished by the mental tussle that preceded the tea-making.

What is usually a sequence of events met with nothing but boundless enthusiasm from me…why did it invite such mental resistance today?

I was alone. I was doing this, just for myself.

So, was my motivation all these days, the lighting up of my husband’s face at the sign of the tell tale paper bag in my hand when I got back from work?

Why was the delight I would experience somehow, inadequate, in motivating me?

The tea and samosa that finally sat before me at 6:30 this evening was more than my latest favourite rainy day tradition. It was the medal that represented my victory over myself.

Something changed today.

Today, my mental scales of justice came into balance. Because I afforded the same consideration to myself…that I offer others.

In my anxiety to see happiness on the faces that surround me, had I been quietly letting myself down? Shockingly still, has letting my own expectations slide, become a matter of convenience?

If the price of disappointing or failing someone else is loss of credibility in their eyes, what is the price of disappointing myself by denying a pleasure as basic and yet, as meaningful to me, as tea and samosas on a rainy day?

Why is the bounce in my step, that usually accompanies the request for tea from literally, anyone absent when the voice is my own?

I am truly ashamed at the unmistakable realization I have arrived at today, of how dismissive I am of my own calls for simple gratification. And yet, I am enriched today in a way I wasn’t a day before.

Today, I recognize that my joy lives not only in its reflection in another’s eyes…but as its own entity as well.

Today, I acknowledge that my innocent celebration of rainy days are not just creators of joy for others, but are personifications of the joy within me.

Today I accept my due, to myself with the sincerity and righteousness I afford every other person, but myself. I recognize that my credibility in others’ minds does not mimic the credibility in my own.

Today, I remind myself that I am worth the effort I give, to see the sparkle in another’s eyes.

Today, I re-affirm my commitment to myself and acknowledge fully that in my scrutiny of effort in granting myself a simple joy, I silently failed myself. And the fact that the failing was, not of some grandiose expectation, but a simple one, makes it more egregious, not less.

I won a fight for equality today….a fight against me…for myself. A fight that raged, was conquered and settled within the quiet depths of my own introspective thoughts.

Today, I can confidently answer the question of what made me happy today, truthfully, with a single word, that in some ways is the highest answer I could ever give- ME.

I disappointed myself today….and I made amends.

I made myself happy today.

You should too.

Sindhu Mahadevan

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