By Morgan on April 15, 2013

“But I’m a Dominant. I’m kind of…you know…a badass. I mean, I’m the boss, right? A submissive, take me down? Don’t make me….pftthtttt…”

Why are we talking about this?

The thing is that when we’re meeting with a stranger for the first time, we don’t really know who we’re meeting. Just because someone says they’re a submissive doesn’t mean they are and besides, are we assuming submissives are…weak, easy to overpower, non-aggressive, ever? And what about weapons or other odds-evening strategies?

I have a big, muscled guy friend who arranged to meet with a couple of women for a “private party”. It wasn’t BDSM related, but the principle holds. Imagine my friend’s surprise when he found himself relieved of his wallet, clothes and truck at gunpoint and left by the side of a road. His ego and bank account were the only things bruised that day, which was bad enough, but it could’ve ended much, much worse.

Women may be statistically more likely to come to harm when meeting with a someone new for the first time, but even if the odds are only .01% (please note: I’m totally pulling that number out of nowhere to make the point- I have no idea what the statistic actually is) that a male and/or Dominant could be robbed or assaulted, who wants to be in the .o1%? The risk can be greatly minimized in some simple ways with some basic safety steps.

Besides, even if you’re positive you yourself will never, ever need to set up safety precautions, if you’re dating or playing with new people, someone at some point is going to bring it up on their own behalf. Or you might find yourself in the position of being able to educate someone else about tools for safety- another opportunity to demonstrate good safety practices to your community and just maybe, be a Big Damned Hero (Firefly reference- couldn’t resist).

So let’s look at some basic ideas and practices around safety.

Meet in Person

Why?

“Researchers do not completely agree about how much of communication is nonverbal, though none of their approximations are small. Most researchers estimate that nonverbal communication accounts for between 65 and 90 percent of all human communication, a mild challenge to the 93 percent theory that was made popular in the 1970s.” (Buffalo State University: Verbal and Nonverbal Communication, CultureAtWork.com: Nonverbal Communication, Fort Hays State University: Introduction to Nonverbal Communication)

That’s a lot you can’t read in a voice on the phone or words typed on a screen. Meeting in person for a drink, coffee or dinner before taking someone to a private location- your car, your room, a private home or out back of the Piggly Wiggly (that’s the real name of a real place, check it) can help you get a better sense of someone. There are things you can read in person that you just can’t in other ways.

Check Them Out Before Hand

Ask around. Get references. Some submissives and Dominants do this regularly when they’re considering playing with someone. It can save you a lot of trouble and time to get a heads up on someone who might not be safe or honest or…sane. I have one friend who checks people out pretty thoroughly. She’s a good online sleuth and has friends who can help her make sure someone is legit. It’s pretty creepy just how often she finds out people are lying about all kinds of things.

Identification

If there’s any question about real identity, some people will use their phone to take a photo of a person’s driver license and/or license plates, and then send it to a friend who’s on standby.

Safe Calls

Probably the most important thing you can do to protect your own well-being is the Safe Call. It won’t guarantee your safety, but it will swing the odds considerably in your favor.

People set up safe calls in different ways. The most common involves texting or calling someone at a given time. Set it up ahead of time and give yourself an hour or so into the date. You might also text or call again after your date is over.

Make sure you actually talk to a person when you’re setting up a contact and confirm that they’ll be available. Someone once called and left a message on my answering machine saying she was using me for a safe call. The problem was, I was out of town at the time and didn’t get the message for two days. Luckily, she had called to check back in a couple of hours later, saying everything was fine.

If you’re going to set up a contact person, make sure you’ve actually made contact. Talk to an actual voice or, if you’re texting, get an acknowledgment so you know they’ve received it.

Use a code. Don’t just say, “I’ll call you at 5”. You want to be more specific, so that in the event something is wrong, it’ll take more than just the phone ringing and caller ID saying it’s you, to let your contact person know you’re okay. Try setting up something only the two of you would know. For example, my last safe call was to a friend that I have a silly nickname for. I told her that when I texted, I would call her by that name if everything was fine and if not, I would call her by her given name. That way, if someone was forcing me to send the text under duress, I had a subtle way to let her know that I was in trouble.

The idea is that if you give the code word for “HELP! I’m in trouble,” your contact person is going to either come break your door down (make sure they know where you are) or call 911 and have the cops do it. So if you don’t call, tell your contact to call you just to make sure you didn’t forget. That won’t help much if you’ve turned your phone off, so keep that in mind. If you forget to call and your friend can’t reach you, you’ll remember that you forgot when the cavalry comes through the door. Oops!

(I haven’t heard of that actually happening to anyone, but I would hate to be the first among my circle. I’d like to be famous for other things, please.)

Most of the time, everything will be just fine. But bad things happen to men too; bad things happen to Dominants; bad things happen to big, strong badasses of any gender or personality type. No one wants to be in that .01% and it doesn’t hurt to have a little insurance, just in case. As in many cases when it comes to safety, it’s better to have it and not need it that need it and not have it.

It’s Not an Attack on Your Character

You’re a good person, right? A responsible Dominant who wouldn’t ever do anything non-consensual to someone you’re meeting with.

But they may not know that yet. People have different levels of need around reassurance and safety. There is no reason to be offended by someone asking for safety precautions. We need to support each other in this respect. If someone isn’t okay with a reasonable request for identifying information and the fact that I’m setting up a safe call, that’s a red flag and a deal breaker. In turn, I would expect any self respecting human that I want to play with to be reasonably cautious about me too until we know each other better. It’s not a personal accusation; it’s just smart self-care.

A lot of how we make choices about who to trust is based on intuition, but if you develop a general procedure for safety when meeting with new people and just do it every time, it’ll become habit and get easier, without having to figure it out case by case. “Nothing personal; this is my standard procedure when I meet with new people”. Done.

A Related Issue

I know there are some people who are going to read this and still think, “guys don’t have to do this” or “If I’m a man and I do this, people will give me a hard time”.

This is one of those areas where stereotypes and male discrimination can rear its ugly head. Yes, the statistics are much higher for women, but being male does not mean you’re exempt from violence, sexual and otherwise. The numbers may be smaller for men (and I’m not accounting for gay men here, which is another factor that changes the picture a lot), but if you’re a man who’s been attacked it’s incredibly damaging to be discounted, ridiculed and/or ignored. It encourages a “culture of silence” around abuse of men that makes it harder for men to come forward and report violence, as well as making it harder for men to take steps to ensure their own safety, for fear of being ridiculed.

Something to think about if you’re reading this and thinking it’s a silly idea for men to take safety precautions. Ask yourself why and how your attitudes might be keeping you or the men in your life from taking good care of themselves.

A lot of us are meeting people online or through personal ads these days, and while every new person we meet involves some risk, there are more opportunities in these venues for predators of all shapes, sizes and genders to deceive and abuse. Safety precautions like safe calls are an important way to play safe, no matter who you are.