Feeling Odd
I’ve felt extra odd lately. Feeling odd itself isn’t odd for me… It’s hard to explain things that are normal to me, being abnormal to the general mass of human beings.
I’ve seen the ghost of my future, relived my past, and now I’m just on pause. I prefer to stop and think rather than encourage a new cycle. Cycles are torturously boring. Our existence is full of so many of them that it makes me feel as if Earth is Hell sometimes. Repeating the same thing over and over again in insanity, but then I realize that’s probably just me.
I want to die. I hate it when people are impressed by me, because I am no one, I am weak and have lost my will to fight to have something worth living for. Friends and family who would be hurt by my leaving is the only thing sustaining my breathing. One day being is going to feel more destructive and it will be the day I will fear nothing.
I don’t want anything anymore. The one dream I have left has left me disheartened lately and no form of success or opportunity will wake my motivation to create something, or the commitment to see it to it’s end. The psych ward was the last time I finished something.
I’m confused but not in crisis, craving but not using, crazy but not cutting, suffering but surviving. I’m not living, I’m not dying.
I can’t move on when my brain keeps reminding me of every traumatizing thing to ever happen to me. I relive them over and over and the fear of the mere possibility of anything similar happening again makes me immediately and irrationally less trusting. I can’t trust myself to make a better choice next time, I cant trust anyone else not to put me in the position of making a life changing decision. Even when I’m not reminiscing I can’t trust myself not to make dangerous impulsive decisions.
I can’t stay sober. I know I’ll encounter one of my old friends again, I may even go looking for them. I may already have… I’ll let them consume me because I want them to, and then there is no telling what I might do. That discovery is the only thing I feel I have to look forward to.