fuck..again…

Emo Shimizu
Aug 26, 2017 · 5 min read

I’m such a fuckin nutcase… blame it on me or don’t. It doesn’t really matter does it? The fact remains. Some people say I need help, some people say I need to be okay with being alone, almost everyone says it get’s better. Do you know what I say? I say I’m a fuckin emotionally unstable nutcase. Now that that’s established let’s deal with the issue at hand.

There was no hope of reciprocity this time, I was just sad, tired, and angry. Not to mention shaken by something the night before. Top it off with a sad dream and we have a recipe for crazy ex girlfriend happening. The only way I could’ve stopped myself from typing the script in my mind that had formed over weeks of remembering, was not touching the damn keyboard. I would’ve felt better, it wouldve passed, it always does, it always will, but there was an unread message… so I responded, in a sane sort of way, then I angrily vented about the thing that had shaken me the night before.. I did not realize the anger had taken a turn until i was a couple messages sent.

Poor guy… even though he’s the reason I’m feeling this way. I always go through that little bit in my mind, regretting the things I’m making him feel, but not stopping because he was the one who made me feel this way. It’s almost like I’m just passing on my feelings, like I’m done with these, its time for you to deal with them for a turn. I’ll feel guilty, but since its begun anyway, maybe we’ll get some clarity. It was more of a conversation this time, slightly less confusing.

How long should it take a person to process a two year relationship? We don’t know. We’re both just asking ourselves endless questions to no end, with no answers. Neither of us wants to go our separate ways. Unless he’s changed his mind since the last time we talked about that.

It’s been 4 months since he broke up with me, but still wanted to be friends. He genuinely wants to be friends, as do I. With everything I’m feeling and with this intensity, It’s just hard to be that when it seems like those two years of our lives were nothing. They must be with the way he’s acting. Those two years were everything to me and not only did he end that.. but he took away the most important thing to me. The fact that he loved me, I felt that I knew that he loved me, but now he’s all over the place, unsure of that or flat out denying it, saying he thought he did, or he still doesn't know.

as if ending it wasn’t enough, I was starting to lose it…

Fucking lay off with the honesty just a bit,

ur kind of really hurting my feelings the more you explain.

“I hate you so much right now”

“good, I deserve to be hated” he said

Ironically, it’s when he says shit like that that makes me double think and disarms me. Now I’m comforting him.. gah, we’re fucked..it’s so real though… I’ve never felt so much love that I’ve felt that much hate, at least something makes sense.. and I’m not the one with any doubts.

Whether he loved me or not, He’s the only person I’ve ever truly loved. I’ve felt love for people I’ve been with… but, it’s inexplicably different. I knew from the first kiss, i knew before that, that this was going to be inexplicably different. I knew I wouldn’t leave, no matter what. I told him that very early, before my feelings were in the mixture of our friendship. I told him that I’d never leave.. he said he cried.

Back to the present..

It hurt me tremendously when he went to his parents for advice and they said to never see me again. I don’t know if it was a personal thing or a protective thing, but it hurt. My mom said we could make it work.. and that he was always welcome in her house. The men in my family had no arguments. I was raised on that kind of hope, it’s starting to make sense how we’re so different.. I had always been focused on how we were the same…

He obviously thought ceasing communication completely was extreme.. I found myself suggesting it today, if he has nothing to process or get over or whatever, I’m just ruining his life. My rampant emotions know no bounds and when I’m not aloud to love… the people I wanted to love in the first place get hurt by the rest of my overpowered emotions. I love my ability to feel intensely but it gets messy…

I don’t know if I can do it right now.. but right now I’m having a really rough week.

I cant stop thinking about if he broke up with me because it was a rough month.. or maybe a few.. but with two years put in, that seemed alright, and I thought I was getting better, I don’t remember what feeling like getting better feels like because after he broke up with me I felt worse than ever. I can’t remember the last time I cried that much. Nothing in the past few years had made me that sad.

I know that if that contributed that’s not the only reason, I know he wants more experience.. I know a lot of my sadness is selfish but it isn’t all. I don’t want him to go through this feeling, or get taken advantage of, or forced into anything he doesn’t want. I don’t fuckin trust anyone out there to give him the love he deserves, and I don’t think theres barely a handful that deserve him. More selfishness again, I’m his best friend, I’ll be the one to be there if that does happen…and he deserves to be with someone who will make him happy but…people…

lets return to the present again..

I will always hope for him to return, after whatever experiences he needs to go through. I do respect that, although i disagree with it. He said he possibly would think about being together after some again, even tho us getting together again was basically an impossibility. He thought that was giving me closure… He should know predicting the future isn’t something i put any faith in… and I know closure isn’t something he can give me.

I guess there was some hope for reciprocity after all.. I guess there always will be..

I know I’ll always stick around if he wants me to.. I just don’t know how to deal with these feelings right now, I feel like theres so much confusion and uncertainty. I thought it was just on my part but, unless I’m wrong, he may be the source of my feelings.. or am I just in denial?

Hopefully our plan of processing our relationship together, one thing at a time, once and a while, will bring things to a steady for both of us.

)
Emo Shimizu

Written by

25/F/Canadian. 親日. Consumed by my addictions.

Welcome to a place where words matter. On Medium, smart voices and original ideas take center stage - with no ads in sight. Watch
Follow all the topics you care about, and we’ll deliver the best stories for you to your homepage and inbox. Explore
Get unlimited access to the best stories on Medium — and support writers while you’re at it. Just $5/month. Upgrade