2018 — The year of ctrl+alt+delete-ing our relationships and expectations

Well that’s it my friends, the holiday season and 2017 have come to an end and 2018 is here. I’m not gonna lie, I’m super pumped on the holidays being over. Yes, it is a well known fact that I’m a grinch, but my job also gets crazy busy around the holidays and I’m just exhausted. Today we’re gonna talk about the ending of the holidays, New Years Eve plans and why resolutions are stupid, plus some other stuff. So let’s divulge!

First we’re gonna talk about the pressures of the holidays on dating and relationships. I feel like there is hidden illusion of romance entwined with the holidays. We’re told that we shouldn’t want to “be alone during the holidays,” but I’d like to know why? I’m calling bullshit. I mean lets be real, being alone during the holidays is just economically beneficial. It means less presents to buy and less travel costs going to a million different family gatherings. You also save money on Christmas themed dates and New Years Eve plans. You can also enjoy parties much more because the timeline is completely up to you. You can show up when you want and leave when you want and to me that is the ultimate bonus. Anyone who has partied with me knows I’m usually one of the first to show up (blame it on my ridiculous anxiety of being early to everything) and one of the last to leave. I leave a party for three reasons 1)I’m exhausted and getting grumpy 2) I find someone at the party so incredibly irritating and the minimal filter I have is melting away from irritation and whiskey and 3) everyone else has left.

Since we’re on the topic of parties we’re gonna talk about New Years Eve next. My question to all of you is why do you assume you should be spending New Years Eve with someone you’re dating? Don’t get me wrong, if you’re in a committed relationship 9 times out of 10 you spend it together because it just makes sense. But if you’re newly seeing someone you shouldn’t feel compelled to spend it together. My friends were genuinely surprised that I wasn’t spending New Years Eve with the person I’m dating, but I never expected us to spend it together. We have separate lives and both like doing our own thing and I would never want to make someone feel like it’s mandatory to hang out with me because of some stupid countdown and kiss tradition. But don’t get me wrong, I’ll never turn down a smooch.

There’s almost this underlying expectation that you’ll find love during the holidays. Why? Because it’s cold and I need the extra body heat? That’s what expensive, feather filled parkas are for. Why should the Hallmark channel make me feel like shit because I don’t fall in love with the guy who sells christmas cookies for some children’s charity? I think that it might just be a special case of FOMO (fear of missing out). You feel like you can’t do some cute Christmas events or dates because you don’t have someone to do them with. But nothing says you can’t go with your friends to the Christmas market and get totally loaded on mulled wine and have a great time! I genuinely look forward to January and February because the pressure of dating and expectations dissipates to the normal amount, which I am pretty good at dealing with all things considered.

Alright, now we’re moving on to the concept of resolutions and why I think they’re really stupid. I truly feel this way about many things, I have a lot of opinions. To me, resolutions have this tainted feeling of failure to them. No one expects you to follow your New Years resolution. They automatically assume that it’s bullshit and you’ll give up after 3 days. Goals on the other hand are something you can set anytime, so do that instead. That’s what I do. I am the kind of person who really enjoys winning and when I complete a goal I feel like a winner and I’m really about that. I think that resolutions are just empty promises to ourselves and we just use them to remind ourselves of our flaws and how we’re garbage and that I’m not about.

So lets talk about what “resolutions” aka goals I’ve set for myself. The first one is that I want to become a more active listener. Recently I’ve found myself talking about myself and my life a lot in conversation and while that’s helpful for others to learn things about me, it’s not helpful when it comes to making lasting relationships with people. Why would anyone want to hang with me when all I do is blab about myself for hours? I fucking hate those people and I’m not about to become one of them because I’m afraid of getting close to anyone. So I plan to do this in a couple ways. I plan to ask more questions to the people I want to get to know better and wait for their questions to me to truly expand on anything. I’m not gonna be one of those assholes that answers with one word, but I can probably use with removing a few more. 2018 - the year of less word vomit.

The second “resolution” is to tell the people I care about, that I care about them. I want the important people in my life to know that I appreciate them and that they matter to me. I’m hoping that this gives me some good karma and that maybe it’ll come back my way. 2017 has been a year of me realizing that I give a lot to people, who don’t really give the same amount back. So I’m gonna pressure people into telling me they like me, by me saying the same to them. Get ready people, I’m about to profess my love and in a backwards and manipulative way make you say something back.

My third and final goal is a big one. It’s heavy and it’s going to honestly be probably one of the hardest things I’ll do for a while. I’m going to stop using my past as a justification for my struggles with dating and relationships. I really need to take my life back. I’m sick of my ex having this crippling grip on my life that makes me insecure, needy and incapable of trusting anyone. Over the past year-ish I’ve really made a lot of progress and I’m going to take that into consideration. I went from not being able to hold someone’s hand and be affectionate at all to being almost fully functioning. I used to not feel anything for anyone as a defence mechanism and I was incapable of connecting with anyone, but now I feel like I’ve slowly let down my walls a little. They’re definitely still apparent but I feel like they resemble more of a fogged sliding glass panel. You can kind of see through it, it’s moveable at certain times and has an element of mystery to it. I’ve (almost) stopped believing that the only reason someone would want to spend time with me is to hook up and that no one was genuinely interested in me as a person. I’m able to actually see myself dating and being in a relationship and that honestly is shocking. I’ve made a lot of progress and I’m really proud that I pushed myself to go on dates and meet different kinds of people, but also stay true to who I am and what I want.

I definitely have a long way to go though. Now that I’ve opened myself up to the idea of being in a relationship a lot of old feelings and insecurities are bubbling to the surface. I’m way needier than I ever thought I would be. I find myself struggling with the lack of constant attention which I don’t have the right to ask for whatsoever. I shouldn’t demand that someone constantly feed me the attention I want because that’s not healthy and I am an adult and I know deep down I’m not that person. I’m more insecure than I’ve been in a really long time and it’s not sitting well with me. I’m reading into things that don’t actually exist, I’m constantly worrying about people not being honest with me and telling me how they’re feeling. I’m worried about the things I say and do when I’m with someone and wonder if I’m putting pressure on them. I’m afraid of having expectations out of something that I shouldn’t. I’m afraid of being hurt. I’m terrified that if I let myself feel something for this person that they’re not going to feel the same and I’m going to look stupid. I worry that I’ll fall back into old habits, blind myself and wake up in a relationship where I have no idea what’s actually going on.

I put a lot of time into a relationship that I had convinced myself was it for me, when it never was. I loved this person so whole heartedly and openly that I didn’t see what was actually going on. I didn’t see that he didn’t feel the same and that he wasn’t as committed as I was. I never want to go through that again because it is so mortifying to realize you’ve put time into a person who doesn’t actually give a shit.

So those are my “resolutions”. Hold me to them or don’t, I don’t care, but I’m gonna do my best to follow through and complete as many as possible. Now I’m gonna go and buy a new decal for my Mac because as much as I love Boba Fett, he’s starting to look a little scraggily.

Peace out and Happy New Years peeps!

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