Crazy and creepy — the two words we never want to hear or have to say

So currently I’m on the train to Ottawa to visit “The Wife” because we’re basically in a committed relationship and her and I have been far apart for too long. I decided to write a little piece while I’m on this long and boring train ride with people who eat food that they should not be eating in an enclosed space and Via Rail employees who are so rude they make DMV employees look like sweet baby angels. Seriously, why are you yelling at the couple who barely speak english about what they want in their coffee? Like where do you have to be? It’s fucking cream, chill bruh.

Anyway, I want to talk about two concepts when it comes to dating. They are “crazy” girls and “creepy” guys. This has always fascinated me because I agree with these concepts to an extent. I mean there are definitely crazy girls and creepy dudes. There are the girls who poke holes in condoms and follow you and your new girlfriend. There are also legit creepy dudes who come up to you at the bar and won’t leave. Or the guys who follow you down the street. Yes, both of these have happened to me and let me tell you, my bitch face is my greatest weapon. My girlfriends say that they don’t worry about me walking home because I can be equally as scary and my bitch face helps me keep up that persona. Anyway, we’re getting a little off topic. Basically what I want to talk about is the everyday “crazy” girl and “creepy” guy. The people who aren’t actually crazy or creepy, but perceive themselves that way.

So let’s break it down. What are the typical ways a girl comes off as “crazy.” Well in my experience and my opinion, I get called “crazy” when I take charge. I’m not the kind of girl that will wait months for you to ask for my number. I won’t wait for you to ask me out either. There’s two people in this situation and if I take charge sometimes it comes off as desperate or crazy. Which to me makes no sense. If I’m making it apparent that I want to spend time with you and I’m taking away most of the responsibility, what’s crazy about that? Honestly, I’m kind of doing you a favour. But alas, I am female and that means that I should be submissive and wait “for the guy to ask me out.” Is being confident now equal to being crazy? But I also don’t want to assume that all guys feel this way. There have got to be guys who appreciate a woman who takes charge and doesn’t care about what people think. I really hope so because if not I’m shit out of luck…

But let’s talk about the few that maybe are threatened. Why is this? Is it a question of control or maybe deeply rooted social expectations? Either way there needs to be conversation. If a man needs power through a relationship that’s not necessarily a positive. That leads to a controlling relationship and while that may work for some, it won’t for most. As with societal expectations, this is a very traditional way of thinking and I think it will eventually sort itself out. There will be a day where these masculine expectations will evolve and there won’t be a need for it anymore. There will come a day when women asking out men won’t be an issue, but I hope that by then I don’t need to worry about it. I don’t really want to have spinster status for life.

Let’s turn the tables a little bit though. I have a lot of sympathy for guys on this topic because the majority of them truly don’t want to come off that way and sometimes worry so much about it that it just ends up being creepy. It’s a vicious cycle of creepiness. For the most part they’re just trying to be funny or they just don’t know what to say. Whether it’s a first message or texting or even asking someone out. So what I’m wondering is there a way to show interest that’s completely genuine? I like to hope so, but I think it’s hard because that’s different for everyone. For me, a lame joke or a bit is genuine. If you’re trying to make me laugh in a simple and not inappropriate way I appreciate that. I think going in with a compliment will never do you any favours. I unfortunately think that’s gone down the road to creepyville and there’s no coming back.

So my next question is how did we get here? Has this maybe always been a thing and I’m only starting to question it now? I think it has a lot to do with power and power exchange. I think women are supposed to seem submissive and they shouldn’t make any of the moves, while the man is the only one who should. However, now that women have started taking charge and doing things for themselves, the strategy that men used previously now seems creepy and overbearing. Complimenting a girl who just sits there and blushes and says thank you doesn’t work anymore. You now have to prove yourself to women and I think that’s a new concept for guys.

I want to also talk about quirks and characteristics when it comes to dating. I mean, ultimately we all want different things from relationships and a partner, but there are always some things you need more than others. I need someone who makes me laugh to the point of snorting, someone who pays attention to the little things and someone who doesn’t mind going out of their way to help me out. I don’t really think this is too much to ask of someone, but to some it may be. I don’t really need a lot of affection, but don’t get me wrong I like it. I think everyone does, it makes you feel cared for, but there are other things that matter more to me. I feel like the people who need that consistent affection and constant attention get a bad rap. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to feel close to your significant other. Some people just need that reminder that they matter and that you’re thinking about them. But somehow these two things are seen as “crazy.” I don’t understand that honestly. Is it considered crazy just because you need a little more effort from someone? Most of the time those people are the the people who care so much for others and that’s why they need it in return. They give so much to other people, they just want to feel it come back to them.

I think we need to respect the fact that we all need different things from relationships. What may seem trivial to some, may be huge things to others and vice versa. There’s no way we can truly know what people need from us unless we communicate with one another. Whether we need something that’s “crazy” or something that’s “creepy,” there needs to be conversation and we need to be willing to listen to each other. I know, especially from personal experience, that it’s much easier to not tell someone what you need from them or just let things roll off your shoulders, but that is not a way that anyone wants to live.

In the end, we’re all a little crazy and a little creepy so we might as well embrace it and throw it out the window. Give a dude your number, dudes open with something that isn’t just “hey, you’re pretty.” We all appreciate the little things so the more you focus on that and what people need as an individual, the better off we will be. There will be more smiling faces and bitching at brunch, even though bitching is one of my favourite things to do. Correction, I also need someone who enjoys complaining as much as I do, because I need a partner in crime to just shit on everything and everyone in this shitty af world.

Eeyore out. xoxo gossip girl.