Dealing with assholes and how you can shut them the hell up

I hadn’t planned on writing this post, but I had such an amazing exchange on bumble today that I became inspired. Just severely motivated in all aspects. My mind ran wild with the possibilities and ideas were shooting out of my eyes like Scott from X-men’s laser beams. So I’ll fill you in. I had been casually messaging a dude on bumble this morning, let’s call him “Almost Captain Asshole” (we’re calling him almost captain asshole because he’s in school to become a pilot and that should have been the first warning). I think the best way for me to break this down for you is through screenshots, because really it’s inspiring and really sets the tone. So here we go:

Let me tell you, this whole thing was happening when I was walking down Bathurst and I was howling. Literally could not stop laughing, I probably fit right in with all the crazy people that congregate along that questionable stretch between Queen and Dundas. Ya’ll know what I mean if you live in the city.

So as you can see, we have a lot to discuss here! I think this is a consistent trend with a certain type of guy on Tinder/Bumble and I have some questions so let’s get started.

First, I want to know who are these guys that feel it’s acceptable to insult women when they reject them? How are they created? Well I have a somewhat clear picture of what this guy tends to look like. He’s the guy who doesn’t pay the bill and if he does, he assumes that because he bought you dinner he’s entitled to your body. They’re the guys from high school who tried so hard to get girls, but couldn’t quite get there. They’re the guys who consider themselves “meninists” or anti-feminist because we don’t need feminism anymore and everyone knows that feminists are just man hating bitches who are ugly and out to ruin the male gender. He’s the university bro who thinks he’s the shit and constantly needs to remind you of that fact, when really he’s very insecure. Do you have a clear picture yet? I know I do. And how are they created exactly? Have they just been rejected so many times that they go into flight or fight mode? Is it an automatic strategy to protect their fragile masculinity? I don’t think we’ll ever find out because there’s no way a guy like that ever shares his feelings.

I feel like the term “fragile masculinity” is going to come up a lot in my posts so I’ll break it down for you. Urban Dictionary defines masculinity as, “The fragile trait almost every headass man has. It’s so fragile to these fuckers can’t even blink at a god damn purse without thinking their friends are going to make fun of them, and that society is going to view them differently.” So my spiced up version of fragile masculinity is this, “a guy who needs to appear to be hyper masculine and if that is challenged he becomes very spiteful and tries to protect himself probably using the word faggot or some sort of other insult regarding the challengers character and/or looks.” Guys who suffer from this may also suffer from a hidden case of HPV or a very visible case of gonorrhea. They may also have issues with doing anything they perceive to be “gay” or “for girls”. There is a chance that fuckboys may suffer from this as well, or anyone who uses the word “faggot” casually.

Now, are there warning signs so that we can pick these guys out of the lineup? I’m thinking there are a few that we can discuss. Any guy who uses the word cuddle or snuggle in the conversation where he isn’t referring to a dog or baby. Along with this, any guy who says “come cuddle,” “wyd” or “we should meet up.” Also, if they say “ oh, you live near me, that’s helpful.” Another warning sign is when they say “calm down” after you reject them. There are many different ways a guy like this can begin this conversation, but at the end of the day sometimes a warning sign is not enough.

Now, I don’t want to have this trend of me just judging bros all the time because there are definitely some dudes who are not like this at all. I also wonder if this is only something women experience or do guys also have to deal with this shit? I’m thinking that they probably have to deal with some pretty shitty girls, but statistically speaking women are always dealing with harassment more, whether it’s online or in person. The online harassment that we deal with can either be from a girl playing video games or merely expressing her opinion on reddit. I remember there was one day where I commented on a post about an event that happened in the states where a select group of women had to get their own group of scientists together to prove that their children were being poisoned by toxic waste. And guess what? They fucking proved it and won a giant lawsuit and it was fucking badass as hell. But apparently the fact that I studied this in university or took any sort of gender courses at all made me a dumb, man hating, cunt who wasn’t worth anyone’s time and would never get a boyfriend (even though I had one at the time). I also “wasted my degree” and would never get a real job (which I have so?). But this is a prime example of what women deal with on the daily when it comes to their online presence. They also deal with sexual harassment online so that’s great too. But then, because we’re just that lucky we deal with it in person too! We deal with catcalling on the street, guys coming up to you at bars and touching you when not invited, being followed on the street, walking by construction workers, having any sort of opinion in a male dominated space (work, etc.) It’s nuts! So we learn to have a thicker skin and move on with our lives. I don’t think you’ll ever find a post about “fragile femininity” because you have to be strong as fuck to be a woman. Beyonce would be proud of all of us! I ain’t sorry, boy bye, you know how it is.

I also wonder if a woman’s looks is the first thing to be targeted. For me, this was my first experience being genuinely harassed on a dating app so I don’t really have that much context. But I assume that it’s the easy go to. It’s an easy target and they can pull out any number of lines at the drop of a hat. Lines such as, you’re not good looking enough to be worth my time, your boobs are too small, I’m not into big girls anyways etc. The next thing to target would be personality such as, you’re boring, no one would want to date you because you’re such a bitch, or the ever powerful you’re a cunt. There’s literally no limit to what these guys can say to us. It’s unreal! If it keeps going from there it becomes a little more extreme. We move into the realm where he attacks your self worth. Things like, I could have you if I wanted, you’re not good enough for me, you’re below average become common place. It may even spiral into mild rape culture which I am NOT okay with, but that’s a topic I don’t really want to cover. But honestly, these men are terrifying! I’m happy that I don’t have to hear these things in person because even I would be scared and I’m a hard ass motherfucker. I also think that the guys who are saying these things to us online don’t have the balls to say it to our faces. It’s coming from a place of such strong insecurity that it just wouldn’t be possible.

I genuinely hope that none of the guys I know personally are like this. If they are, guess what pal? We’re no friends no mo’. You can brizzy on bounce the fuck out of my life. I’m also not friends with too many guys who are hyper masculine so I think I’ve dodged that bullet a little. I’m probably not friends with them because I am a through and through feminist and can’t keep my mouth shut when someone says something that I’m not okay with. Be my friend!

Alright, now you may be asking, “but what can I do to protect myself from these D-bags?” Well that’s where I come in. I’m gonna give you a guide on how to respond to these fuckers because it’s an epidemic and you need to be prepared. In my books you should always respond with humour. You’re never gonna convince this guy that what he’s doing is wrong. He genuinely believes in what he’s saying and you’re not about to change his ways for the better no matter how hard you try. This may sound so backwards that you’ll wanna reach through the screen and slap me silly, but I genuinely don’t think you should stand up for yourself. Just wait, don’t leave yet. Hear me out. I think that you shouldn’t engage with it at all because it’s not worth your time and you’re better then that! Seriously, this guy is a stranger to you, what do you need to prove to him? Fucking nothing, that’s what! If you reply with things like, “I can’t wait until we meet” or “you sound like my prince charming” it’ll only work them up and it will be fantastic. Obviously he’s been everything you’re searching for so you might as well let him know! That’s the nice thing to do! Also, saying that you should get married is a classic line as well. For me, I always have a catchphrase ready. Right now I’m really into “peace up A-town down” because Usher is hilarious and that song is the anthem of a generation. Having a catchphrase keeps things hilarious and it will always make you laugh no matter what or who you’re dealing with. You’ll also want to have a solid exit statement ready to go (see my last message) and you MUST unmatch the minute you send it. I don’t want any of this “waiting around to see if he replies bullshit.” You drop that bomb and you get the fuck out. Mic drop. Cool girls don’t look at explosions. They blow things up and walk away. Kudos to you if you got that reference! Also, as the saga is unfolding make sure you take screenshots because if you don’t and you unmatch (which you most definitely will right?) you’ll lose the conversation forever. You have to be able to show your girlfriends so you can laugh at this pathetic piece of trash over drinks! Also, you have the opportunity to become insta famous through the tinder nightmares instagram (highly recommend. It’s hilarious). This will also get you minor street cred and something to put on your resume as well. Also, you should probably get a t-shirt made with the conversation on it because it let’s people know that you’re a badass, motherfucking bitch who don’t take no trash! But seriously, you should show the world because this issue needs to become apparent to the general public. These guys should be brought into the light for the things they say because it’s not cool. Like who in their right mind says “I hope this hurt your feelings?” Like are you a sociopath? Donald Trump, is that you? Whoa political. If you run out of options or you’re panicking and don’t have some sort of witty comeback try an emoji, bitmoji or gif. There are some classic ones to choose from and it gives you the opportunity to truly get creative with your sass. However, bitmojis are really only available through text and if you’ve already given this guy your number then that’s another issue all together.

So there you have it! A full discussion and guide to deal with minor sociopathic d-bags who can’t handle a female rejecting their dick. I hope that this will help some of you to really throw it back in their face because I know I had a great time with my experience. And I should have you know that this guy didn’t hurt my feelings at all. I’m aware of what I look like, I think I’m above average (hopefully) and I don’t need some insecure prick to verify that. Anyone who is worth my time and my feelings will be just as badass as I am. So fuck this guy, and fuck all the other dudes like him. He’s the one who’s lonely and insecure, not me. I’m fly as fuck, what up! Peace out A-town down, I’m out!

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