Honesty — a one-sided view on myself

So today we’re going to do something a little different. We’re talking about honesty, being genuine and letting yourself be vulnerable. I’m gonna put a mild trigger warning on this post because I get very real about myself and there are some things I talk about that my friends/family may not be aware of. I’ve been thinking lately that this is something I should do because the last couple weeks have been very bitter and equally difficult for me. I want to be honest with all of you and with myself. I build my life around being honest so here we go.

I want to talk about being yourself. I know I’ve covered this a little bit, but this is becoming valid in my life currently so I want to revisit the topic. Anyone who knows me well knows that I am unapologetically honest. I’m blunt, I’m harsh when I need to be and I don’t apologize for it. However, at the same time I am not one who is above saying sorry. Sometimes I forget that not everyone appreciates blunt honesty and I think I’m good at noticing that and apologizing when needed. Sometimes people describe me as a bitch and I’ve made my peace with it. I never intend to hurt anyone and would be destroyed if I hurt anyone I loved, but there are some who just aren’t going to like me. I have dealt with this my entire life. I was bullied pretty heavily in high school and not a lot of people appreciate honesty when you’re in a school of incredibly cruel people.

Going through what I did in high school made me have a tough exterior and a thick skin. I was ripped apart for my appearance, I had rumours spread around the school involving my body and sex. I even had a “boyfriend” who told his friends that I didn’t shave my pubes when I was 14, which apparently is shocking. I had people coming up to me in the halls saying, “Shaved your bush yet?” I had people calling me pizza face because of my acne. I had people saying that I went to second base with a guy in the basement of the school. I was told that nobody wanted to eat lunch with me and that I should just go home for lunch every day. High school was really fun guys.

This truly shaped me as a person. I had a very tough time. I became pretty depressed and had to go to therapy because I had begun to self harm. I wasn’t suicidal, but I was definitely crying for help. I was drowning and couldn’t get past it. But I got through it. I told them to get fucked and I got out of there and went to university and grew into who I am today. Leaving high school was such a weight off my shoulders, but I continued to keep my hard exterior and I took a look at my life. I decided that I would never again let people rip me apart and make me weak. I grew up and grew to never apologize for who I was. So yeah, I’m honest and I’m blunt, but after going through all of that and surviving I have a right to have my voice heard. When people try to silence you and you come out the other side stronger you deserve to be who you are and celebrate that no matter what anyone thinks. I spent too long trying to impress people and it almost destroyed me.

So here we are, trying to impress guys on dates by dressing cute, doing our makeup and laughing at their jokes. I understand that people actually enjoy doing this and kudos to you, we obviously don’t have that in common. I hate doing this. I obviously like to look good and enjoy a good contour, but I’ll never laugh at something that I don’t find funny. That’s where I draw the line! Recently I started talking to someone who I find so goddamn hilarious that I can’t even hold a straight face when I’m trying to talk to my girlfriends about it. It’s the best feeling honestly. Finding someone who shares your sense of humour is fantastic. Exhibit A) my sea urchin pun, he thought it was so lame, but he still laughed. How can you find someone like this if you’re not being 100% honest? I was talking to a girlfriend last night about this concept. For me, I think it’s almost easier for people in the long run if they’re 100% themselves from the beginning. It’s a great way to weed out the “meh” people. Personally, I just don’t care enough to not be myself.

The experience of talking to my girlfriends about how this new guy and I talk to each other has been a very eye opening experience for me. I’ve been making jokes about shaving my beard before a date and saying that I’m only in it for free shit and when I told my girlfriends I had said this I think they almost fainted! I should tell you that both of these jokes were received very well. They were shocked by what I was saying to him and to me it just seemed like second nature. They expected me to be cute and delicate, instead here I am making gross jokes and being the most sarcastic human alive. I think I understand now why this process hasn’t worked for me… But my response to my girlfriends was why would I be someone I’m not? If this guy is interested in me and wants to spend time with me, shouldn’t he be seeing the real me? Shouldn’t he be fully prepared for what I am like in person? Why is it that we feel we need to hide ourselves in order for others to like us? Are we that insecure in ourselves that we think that someone won’t like us if they know what we look like without makeup or that we love gross humour?

I like to always jokingly say to guys that, “I’m different. I’m not like other girls” because obviously that is a classic line and that’s what the crazys say, but in a way I’m kind of telling the truth. I like to call guys on their shit and I love a good challenge. Let me tell you, not every guy is a fan of this. I have learned that the easy and the hard way #fragilemasculinity. There are also some guys who really like this in a woman. I like to keep people on their toes and I like to keep people honest. This just makes life so much more fun and interesting! If you can find someone who challenges you and calls you on your shit and you do the same, then you have a strong and independent partner. What a badass pair you’ll be!

Now don’t get me wrong, I know that some of you are probably reading this and saying NEVER! And honestly, that’s totally fine. Not everyone is capable of being as honest as others and there is nothing wrong with that. The only thing that I want to make clear is that you should never compromise who you are for another person. If you feel like you can’t be honest and true to yourself because it may hurt someone else, we’ve got a problem. I learned this the hard way.

I spent four years compromising who I was, in minuscule ways, but over time it built up and I didn’t recognize myself. I had gone from being a confident and honest girl to someone who gave up parts of herself to keep someone else happy. I put up with things that I should have never put up with and I kept myself blinded to things because “I was happy and he’s just stressed.” I think that’s part of the reason why I view dating and my life in general so differently. I spent so long being someone I wasn’t to keep someone else happy that now I’m rediscovering who I am and refusing to apologize for it. I want someone to appreciate who I am and never make me compromise myself. I understand that in all relationships compromise is a must, but I will never change who I am for someone else.

However, I am the kind of person who still has a very big heart and a lot of feelings, but I know how to protect it now. I use humour as a defence mechanism and to stop myself from feeling things. I make jokes about being alone because I’m terrified that it will stay that way. I spin situations to make them funny so that I can let it roll off my shoulders and not let it break me. Sometimes I think this makes me seem heartless, vindictive and bitchy, but if you know me well you know that I’m not impenetrable. I still hurt like everyone else and I still have a heart that can be broken. People can say things to me and about me and I make it seem like I think it’s funny because I am protecting myself. I am protecting myself from believing that it’s true, believing that I am vindictive and one sided and a bitch. Just because I’m laughing, doesn’t mean I think it’s funny and it doesn’t mean that you’re not being hurtful.

I think I need to also point out that I am writing this from my personal experience and the experience from those around me. I don’t hold focus groups, I don’t do research and I don’t do interviews. If it sounds one sided, honestly it’s because it is. I can’t speak for others and as hard as I try I can’t represent everyone. If you relate to what you read here then I’m so happy and I’m glad you’ve found me. But if you don’t, that’s fine too. Nothing says you have to read it. Nobody is taping your eyes open and making you read about my bad dates and my “man-hating” demeanour. At the end of the day I want people to read this and laugh and share in my experiences. I want people to see themselves in my writing and know that there are people out there who are going through what they are too.

So this is me. Being blunt, being honest and being unapologetically me. If you don’t like it, that’s fine. You can join the large group of people who don’t like me and don’t appreciate me for who I am. But if you are some of the few who do, then I welcome you with open arms.

This was raw and it was weird, but it needed to happen.

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