Tinder and Instagram — a tale as old as time.

Instagram. The only way we can let people know that we enjoy the finer things in life, like chicken and waffles and unicorn frappucinos from Starbucks. Ironic, I’m in a Starbucks right now… sans frap.

Instagram is interesting because you can choose to portray yourself in any way you want. For me, my instagram is pretty close to who I actually am as a person. Full of screenshots of what 90’s hip hop I’m listening to or selfies when I get bored and my eyebrows are on point. But I know of people who curate their personal accounts. I guess that’s how you become insta famous and start selling detox teas and gummy supplements for your hair. I don’t know why I haven’t been contacted honestly, it’s truly shocking.

Anyways, the topic I’m covering on this cold, dreary ass day is following tinder matches on Instagram. Should you follow them right away? How long until you unfollow them? Or do you continue to mildly stalk them and hope that they like some of your pictures? There’s a lot to cover here so let’s get started.

When you create a profile on tinder you can choose to hook up your instagram to it. I obviously did this because I have little self control when it comes to being able to share my thoughts (exhibit a: this blog…). I appreciate when guys hook up their instagram because most of them are incapable of choosing good pictures of themselves. So I can creep their instagram and find out if they’re actually attractive or not. You’d be surprised at how many almost swipe rights I’ve had in this lifetime. It’s good to have the instagram as a safety net. You don’t want to swipe right on someone who only uses pictures from 6 years ago when they had a beard. Ugh, I do love a good beard. I’m getting distracted.

Alright so, you’ve matched with someone on tinder and you’ve already excessively stalked their instagram because once you start the creep you can’t stop. Like pringles, once you pop you can’t stop. It’s so true though. You’ve learned so many things about this person! He or someone in his life has a dog. He likes to take artsy pictures of the skyline and ashtrays. He also really enjoys snapchat filters. So far, he looks like a keeper. But here’s the thing, can you let on that you’ve looked at his instagram? I mean, it’s connected on his profile. He’s made it visible for everyone. How could you not look at it? You just wanted to verify that he was a hottie and now you know so much more. Personally, I’d say deny until you die because you know all girls are crazy right? “Dude she’s so crazy though. She asked me about my sister’s dog. How would she know about that if she wasn’t a psycho chick?” Because you gave me the power to look you bastard and I have zero willpower.

Alright so then the verdict is you don’t bring it up. Great, sounds good. Unless he brings up his instagram, we’re going to pretend like it doesn’t even exist.

My next question is, if they don’t have their instagram synced with their profile, when can you ask for it? Is it basically like asking for their number or is it a little more personal? You’re basically asking, “hey can I have the name of your account where you show pictures of yourself and stuff you like so I can make sure that you’re a real person who I’ll still be sort of attracted to once I see your actual face and probably really lame interests?” I’d say it’s got a weird connotation to it. I mean don’t get me wrong, I still ask for it. I enjoy a good creep every now and then.

Once you take a long and solid look at their instagram you come to the conclusion that they’re worth a follow. So let’s say that you actually really enjoy talking to this person and want to meet them. Hooray, good for you. It’s more than I can say for myself. Let’s fast forward to after the date. Things have gone well and you’re just waiting to hear back from them. But here’s the kicker…you don’t. They have disappeared. Obviously they were in some sort of terrible accident and couldn’t reach their phone to let you know that they had an amazing time and would love to see you again. But you know this isn’t the case because they’re posting on instagram. You can see that they’re at home because they just posted a photo of a beer can and an episode of Riverdale and captioned it “lazy night in.” Obviously my dream man loves Riverdale. Or is in Riverdale and is also named Jughead (insert heart eyed emoji). So, they’re alive… and if they’re having a “lazy night in” why aren’t you guys on a date or at least texting? This has got to be the most aggravating thing about instagram and dating. You’re making it so obvious that you’re not doing anything, but yet you’re too busy to go out or send a text.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not sitting here pining away after someone and stalking their instagram, while simultaneously complaining about them on a blog. I would need someone in order to do that, which I don’t have. I am very much alone right now. But the next question is, when should you unfollow them? Should you at all? Will you slowly go crazy seeing them on instagram and wondering why they disappeared in the first place? I mean you guys were obviously meant to be together, you have the same pizza order!

I’m currently in a situation similar to this. This story is fairly recent and probably the most unfortunate and majorly disappointing. I’ll summarize because I’d like to stay on topic. Basically, I was chatting with “the Photographer” for a couple of weeks. We’d made plans to go on a date and I was truly looking forward to it. It was going to be my first day date and he was taking me somewhere really cool. Unfortunately, it fell through so we rescheduled for a couple days after. No biggie, I’m chill. So long story short, the date never happened and I ended up getting mildly stood up. It really was very disappointing. My ego was bruised and my tiny little grinch heart took a small nudge. I had even used this person’s real name at one point, which is shocking because I was adamant about not doing that. But the reason I bring it up is because things were left on very weird terms. He never really told me he wasn’t interested anymore and we’re still following each other on instagram. I’m not gonna lie and say that it doesn’t make me feel good when I see that he’s watched my instagram story, or likes one of my pictures. God, this is the lamest thing I’ve ever written and I took writer’s craft in highschool so that’s saying something. But still for some reason I can’t seem to tap the unfollow button. I genuinely don’t know why. I’m probably just a mild masochist and secretly enjoy seeing what he’s doing even though he hurt my feelings. I’m sure I’ll unfollow him some day soon, maybe when I see that he’s unfollowed me…which he hasn’t by the way. Obviously I see that and since I’m a girl, my spidey senses start to tingle and I think that he still likes me. If he ever even liked me. Who knows really? You don’t actually know anyone anymore. Wow, cynical much? Who cares, I’m bitter.

I genuinely don’t have an answer to any of these questions. I guess all I can say is that it’s human nature to want to see what other people are doing. You can’t tell me that you don’t enjoy a good creep. And if you do I will laugh in your face and tell you that you need to stop lying to yourself and embrace the creep that you are. At the end of the day we’re all masochists in our own weird way, so what’s the difference really? My advice would be to be a mild creep, but never let the creep control your emotions. You and your finger have the power to tap that tiny little unfollow button and change things forever. Just make sure to use this power wisely. You don’t want to have an accidental unfollow and then have to press follow again. That would be like accidentally liking someone’s photo from 4 years ago. That’s an insta faux pas right there.

Well good luck to all of you creeps, may your finger stay stable enough to not do any accidental tapping and to swipe all the way to 2013.