Maybe.

Well, confession, it does suck — being alone on a Sunday. I had sex the past week, by the way. We’ll talk about that in another entry.

I’ve come to the conclusion that if you find someone whom you love and loves you back, you are pretty damn lucky. The past few weeks, although I have not had the time to pen everything down, was filled with dates and texting different men. (I have a full-time job and am running a start-up, but I only talk about relationships/ men on this blog. Just putting it out there so no one thinks I’ve no life outside of relationships!) While, yes, there are a handful who have expressed interest, there are none I feel like I actually want to be committed to? I’m not saying this in a “I’m better than all of them” way, but I don’t feel that way for anyone of them.

Let me try to verbalise this seemingly elusive ‘feeling’.

1. That passionate love — I want to spend as much time with that person as possible. We’ll netflix and chill, grocery shopping, jogging, trying to cook (cos I can’t cook for nuts). Cue: John Mayer — Comfortable (listen to this song and you’ll know what I mean)

2. The best friend vibes — I can feel safe telling everything and anything to. Like how I feel extremely stressed or stupid at times when it comes to the start-up business stuff. When I run the red light and feel absolutely terrible for doing so cos I always brag about what a good driver I am. Or when I forget to bring my tampon to work and I’ve to make do with a sanitary pad from a colleague which makes me feel like I’m wearing a diaper. So technically, my colleague changed my diapers for me that day.

3. The intense sexual feeling — when a mere touch of the hand, or just a peck on the cheek makes me want to pounce on him. Almost like in a porno film, but more so that which I see in romcoms (this means “Romantic Comedies”, just in case you thought it was a new genre of porn). The kind where there’s so much kissing, you assume there was a ton of foreplay, then mind-blowing sex which culminates in an orgasm that makes it sound like the guy is raping me. Yes, that’s the feeling. Right there.

I haven’t felt all these for the past few months. Well, the recent ex and I felt it very much so last year, but this year the relationship became more like a scene from The Shining.

Then again, I barely know all these men. Prior to this month of singlehood, all my relationships started off as whirlwind romances. There was never a phase of slowly getting to know one another.

Maybe I am addicted to whirlwind romances, and maybe that’s why my relationships never go beyond 2 years. Maybe when all the hype died down, I realised the person I was with wasn’t really someone I wanted, but someone I needed. Because work that year was horrible, he was my escape. Because life at home was terrible, I needed a home somewhere else. Because I couldn’t be alone, I needed him to be around all the time.

Isn’t that terrible — to be on the receiving end of that? I wouldn’t want someone to be with me because they “needed” me to fill some void of loneliness, need for sex or some weird fetish.

So maybe, this is a time for me to sit with myself, sit with this feeling of loneliness. Maybe it’s for me to just be present with whoever I spend time with — man or woman, friend or relative. Maybe, I step out of myself and see what they might need/ want.

However, if you’re able to provide me with that ‘feeling’ — Call Me, Maybe?

❤,
SL