The Cast of Friends, In The Order In Which I Would Kill Them If We Were Fighting For Our Lives On a Life Boat

1. Ross. His limited practical knowledge of the world and his larger frame make him a plum choice for ‘First To Be Eaten.’
2. Rachel. Despite her impressive change over the seasons from spoiled fiancee to ‘can do’ businesswoman, Rachel is haunted by her past — and the loss of Ross quickly drives her into worrying bouts of mental instability. We kill her mostly because she’s becoming a bother. Limited eatings, but her boots remain waterproof and pass to Monica. Joey cries more than anymore.
3. Chandler. Joey has taken up the oars and is proving his worth. Phoebe has a knife and has thrown aside her vegetarianism with concerning haste. To perhaps her own surprise, it was Monica that suggested Chandler be next. ‘Could I BE any more screwed?’ he quipped. No, he could not. Monica’s hand shook but she did what needed to be done.
4. Monica. She is scrappy but outnumbered. Joey and Phoebe form a natural partnership, and the loss of her brother and husband has sapped Monica of her natural fight. She tried to bargain but eventually resigned herself to her fate.
5. This one is tricky. Joey is stronger but Phoebe has guile and a frankly alarming number of concealed weapons — which she was carrying even before she knew we would be marooned? In the end, Phoebe offered herself, which prompted Joey to do the same. I’m suspicious that Phoebe planned this all along. Joey’s last words: ‘I knew I should have kept the Mr. Beaumont.’ Curious. Phoebe was not cruel, but she was not quick, either.
6. Joey provided more than a week’s worth of meat for just two people, but we’re still desperately short on supplies. Phoebe spends her time fishing and, increasingly, singing to the waves. She now has a small collection of fish heads which she insists on calling ‘Her Squishy Little Misses.’ I dread sleep. I’ve managed to steal three knives from her coat, but she always has more. How? How is that even possible?

God forgive me for what I have done. I will not fight anymore.