Love in September

He looked at me and smiled. I smiled back at him. He looks happy, I thought. He looks happy and like it. It scares me but I like it. It scares me because I fear, I am not the reason he looks so happy. Wish I was. Yes I do, but does he know? Will he ever know? How I would love to condemn him for this fear. How I want so much to blame him for all the mess in my head, a mess that’s all started with him. But I know I can’t, not only it would be unfair but also how could I blame him when I have known the best moments of my life with him. The perfect joy and full happiness, the tender care and attention nobody else was willing to give me, he provided. I survived from the laughter he drew from my lips then, and now from the memories of it. So how in the world would I blame him? Isn’t the good man does greater than his evil?

— You look tired, he says to me

— I am tired,

— What’s on your mind?

— Lots of things, I say. Only you, I correct in my mind

— And may I know what it is?

I look him in the eyes, though a shade darker than his jet black hair, they looked mesmerizingly bright with such a vibrant beauty that I blinked twice to make sure it was for real. A light smile held his lips in place, patient and waiting. I let the scent of him linger in the space between us as I try to make sense of the question he asked me. or at least the intentions behind it. May be he is just curious, I thought. I could ask him, but I am not sure I’d like whatever the answer is. I lay down in the grass on my back and look at the ocean-blue sky, and right there and then, everything was just right, the gentle breeze and the singing birds. This moment I knew I will need to remember .

- I am happy right now, but I wonder how long it is going to last.

He lays down on his back right next to me, feel his hand hold mine. Why did he have to be so damn perfect? He just knew what to do to make me go all weak and melt on the spot. And the worst part is, he never tried hard, in fact, he wasn’t trying at all and that is just what intrigued me. You would think he knows me inside out without me telling.

— You can speak to me you know?

Then i started feeling tears slowly built up in my eyes, of course I knew, but is it any good for me. With every secret and feeling I share I give a piece of me to you , I open up and find myself depending on you. I spill my heart with no guarantee of safety. I wouldn’t want to hold you back from your dreams, I won’t have you if that could hurt you in any way but giving a piece of me, isn’t it asking a piece of you back, one that I am neither sure to keep safe nor sure you are willing to give out yourself. And that hurts but who is to blame? I let those thought trail away for a while, safe from his reach careful to clear my eyes of any trail, I would curse myself if he ever got that far into my thoughts.

— I hear every storm leaves a rainbow, I started. but doesn’t the storm return soon or later? What if it should come now, could I be ready?

— What do you mean?

— I love moments like this and I would rather they last forever but what do I do if you aren’t here?

He lifts himself up to lean on his forearm directly above me. He leaned so close I could feel his breath on my face.

— Why would you go and torture yourself with that all the time. I told you. I will always be there for you, always.

His gaze cut right through my eyes and into my brain, I could see his lips moving but hardly made sense of his words, somewhere far I heard something pulsating in my ear, the sound of my blood racing in my veins. My heart could have been one beat from jumping right from my chest the way it beat, I started losing focus and blamed it on the stupid tears that wouldn’t spill out and just made a veil keeping me from seeing his beautiful face. My head felt all light and I noticed I could hardly draw in enough air in my lungs anymore. He leans closer, his lips lightly touching mine, I feel my body relax as a new sensation takes over. A feeling of warmth and love sweeps all the way through to my bones and I felt my muscles relax slowly to react to his kiss. My stubborn tears finally spilling down my cheeks. I felt his hand soft on my skin, reach out to wipe the streaks of tears now, running down like little fountains and hesitate in my hair, gently pulling it back out of my face. He pulled back to look again at me.

— You’re crying?

— I know. I tell him, feeling a little bit embarrassed.

What the heck is wrong with me? I silently cursed. I got myself into a sitting position and made sure to put a safe distance between me and him.

— Why won’t you tell me what is really bothering you Angie?

— I can’t

— Why not?

I look at him, his eyes now filled with genuine concern; the smile on his face was not there anymore. I had succeeded in hurting him, again. How did I manage to ruin everything just when it was all going perfectly fine? I definitely was no good for him. I would hurt him and make his smile fade even for no reason at all. I had to disappear; disappear from his life and never hurt him again. I immediately sprang to my feet and made a run for it before he could stop me, before I could hurt him again.

…

I reached out at the top most shelf of my wardrobe for my traveling bag and started packing hurriedly everything I could lay my hands on. I had planned this trip for ages, I hardly believed I never took the time to organize and pack everything in advance and instead wait for the very last moment to do so. What was I expecting? Him to change my mind? Or actually giving up and stay here. Did I really want to leave? I shake my head at the thought. I am not going to change my mind now. It can’t happen now. I have to let him go, to let everything go.

— you will be late

I jumped at the voice. Emily, her arms crossed over her chest was watching me with a look I only knew too well. The kind of look that always sent shills down my spine. Not because it was cold, no. It was just the kind of look that says “YOU ARE ABOUT TO MAKE A BIG MISTAKE” and most of the time she was right, but I wasn’t going to let her have her way this time. I smiled in her direction briefly as if to reassure her.

— You are crying?

She let her arms fall to her side as she got closer to look at my face. I was so deep in my thoughts that I hadn’t realized I had been crying the whole time. I wiped away the tears and tried to look away, but she had a firm grip of my chin and forced me to look her straight in the eyes.

She had combed her dark brown hair back and tied it in a nice pony tail, leaving her face beautifully exposed. She had delicate, yet elegant features. You could tell her skin was soft even by just looking at it. It had a healthy pinkish shade and deep brown eyes that always made me think of mother. Suddenly I couldn’t hold it any more, I burst into tears and let myself fall limply in her arms.

— Oh dear! She whisperd as she gently patted my head.

— It hurts!

— I know it does dear, that’s why I asked you to think about it through and through, are you really sure that is what you want to do?

I let go of her embrace and wipe the remaining tears from my eyes as I try to get a hold of myself.

— Emily you don’t understand, I have to do this. I can’t stand hurting everyone around me anymore.

— You didn’t hurt me!

— Yeah, right! Don’t get me to pull out the list.

— That’s not what I am talking about dummy! I mean did you talk to your parents about this? Do you think they are okay with it? Whatever the reason you are living, they are your parents and deserve to know.

— I can’t, I can’t tell them because, I would not be able to stand their hurt, I know the moment it comes out of my mouth I will feel stupid, and they will be right again, like you and … and they will get me to stay or force me to, whatever it takes and we will hurt each other over and over again and I will feel bad and punish myself for it. Everything is just a mess and I can’t stand it anymore

— But what if you’re wrong, what if they could understand and grant your wish without any of you getting hurt.

I stand up and walk to my bedroom window to look at the same décor I greeted every morning with a prayer for a new start. The whole scene looked so wrong now, like it was the first time I was seeing it. My window gave to the garden at the back of the house. I could smell the perfume of the flowers and vegetables and the green grass right through the thin glass that was my window. Memories of the moments I shared with mother working at the garden jumped right at me, making me retreat a bit with a shudder.

— They wouldn’t.

I pull up the strands of hair hanging from my face over my head and join Emily to sit back on the bed.

— I know the whole scenario by heart. They would just emotionally black mail me into staying. You know how it goes like.

Emily reaches for my left hand, stroking it slowly back and forth, Silence. I knew we were both thinking about the same thing but I remained speechless, the answer hanging in the air Emily finally read it out.

— You didn’t tell him either, did you?

I only shake my head from one side to the other as if trying to deny the truth.

— Angie?

— What? What am I supposed to tell him? That I am migrating for no apparent reason? Or having one of my moments and need some space?

— Angie, he loves you!

— You don’t know about that, as a matter of fact I don’t know either.

— C’mon any one can tell by the way he looks at you

— Oh, anyone can do alright. Besides it’s too late now.

— Call him.

Emily reaches for my bed side-table for the phone.

— Don’t bother, I won’t be seeing him again anyway, it doesn’t matter.

— You are not being serious.

— Oh, I am.

I pull shut the zipper of my bag and strip down my beach dress as I change into a pair of faded jeans and a grey sweat shirt. I roll up the sleeves and tie my hair back into a loose pony tail over my head.

— Can’t I really change your mind about this?

— Nope.

I finally slip into my favorite red snickers and throw my bag over my shoulders. I took a final look at this place that had always been my home, my safe haven which was not safe anymore. I let a sigh escape my lip in regret. Whatever pushed me to such an ironic end, all my dreams were dead, they had given way to only nightmares. Back in the time I could run in this room for safety, out of reach of all those horrible nightmares. I could talk to Atha, and he would understand. He was always there for me but the room felt strangely empty of his presence, like he had deserted the place even before I did. I still hadn’t been able to determine his reason of leaving given that he never mentioned it in the thousands of night talks we shared.

I close my eyes for a brief second taking a lungful from the air I breathed for since I was a child. It felt slightly dry, probably from the hot weather. The smell of fresh roses filled my nose, but that was probably Emily. I always had the impression that I didn’t have any particular perfume like all girls do. Emily on the other hand smelled like roses, I loved her scent. I opened my eyes and she was still sitting at the edge of my bed staring at me with the same careful look as if she didn’t know what to make of the situation. How long had she been staring at me?