A Formula for Peace

“Peace is costly, but it is worth the expense.” — African proverb

“I do not want the peace which passeth understanding, I want the understanding which bringeth peace.” ― Helen Keller

First and foremost, this is not about conflict between parties, people, or places. I would not presume to wax poetic about what it all means or what you should feel or think about any or all of it. Loss of life is always tragic to someone. If you are looking for it, there are plenty of resources where you can find whatever you want to know. This is about a different kind of peace, yours.

“You have peace when you make it with yourself.” ― Mitch Albom

“If you cannot find peace within yourself, you will never find it anywhere else.” ― Marvin Gaye

I’ve written about my dope friend groups before, and recently we kicked around the idea of peace, not just as a notion but as a practice, as a way of living and being. Back in the “old days” when we were in college, peace was the farthest thing from our minds. Especially at a time like now when you are working to close out the semester with finals and projects. As you make the transition to winter break and the holidays, I’d like to give you something to consider if that is okay. In our noodling, we came up with a formula for peace that could be of benefit, and it’s even alliterative. Shout out to my amazing sister for one of the elements. So here we go.

Peace = Positivity + Patience + Perspective + Presence + Purpose

Pause and let that marinate for a minute.

Each of the P’s is important in its own way, but more importantly, all the P’s are completely within YOUR control. Each of the P’s could be the subject of its own Missive, and they may become just that. For now, let’s stick to the formula.

“Peace is a day-to-day problem, the product of a multitude of events and judgments. Peace is not an ‘is,’ it is a ‘becoming.’” — Emperor Haile Selassie I

Positivity doesn’t mean blind optimism. I am not telling you to plaster a fake smile on your face no matter how you actually feel. What I am encouraging you to do is to tell yourself this truth. Where you are, maybe could be better, definitely could be worse, but is where you are right this second. So, see the best in it so that you can make the best of it.

“It’s a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack.” — Germany Kent

Being positive allows you to be patient with others, with circumstances, and most importantly, with yourself. Patience can be challenging when everything you do, see, and hear happens so fast. I’ll admit, I haven’t always been good at it. I get why you may not be either. Here’s the thing I had to learn, the water in the pot will eventually boil. That is just science, joules to be specific. What feels like infinity while you’re watching, whether it be from anticipation or anxiety, is a function of factors inside of you not the stove, the pot, or the water. We’ve talked about giving grace before to yourself and others. Patience is at the core of that. No, it may not be happening as fast, or going as well as you want it to. They, whoever they are, may be doing too much, or not doing enough. Through it all, be patient. It is what it is and will be what you make it.

“Patience is waiting. Not passively waiting. That is laziness. But to keep going when the going is hard and slow — that is patience.” — Leo Tolstoy

“Patiently we learn to dance with fear, to fly with tears, to laugh with the wind, and sing with the stars.” — Gloria Anzaldúa

Exercising patience changes how you see things. My former therapist put me on to a tool that may help. She called it standing in the pause. There is a stimulus and a response, again, science. When you can pause between the two and ask yourself what they really said or did, you can change the nature of the response, that’s perception. When you can stand in that pause and critically examine why they said what they said or did what they did, you can change the nature of the stimulus, that’s perspective. This may be hard to believe but no matter how personal it may feel, most people do or say things, even to you, because of themselves not you. Learning to discern that can change the way you see the life that you live and the people in it.

“Empathy begins with understanding life from another person’s perspective. Nobody has an objective experience of reality. It’s all through our own individual prisms.” — Sterling K. Brown

Practicing perspective internally is as important as standing in the pause. You don’t have to become an expert in metacognition. You do have to be present so that you can critically self-reflect and confidently self-project. In that dance between past and future, the tug of war between the you who has been and you yet to come, there is the you that you are, right now. And that person is awesome, in your own unique way. Your awesomeness may be obvious to everyone or hard to see yourself, but it is there, I promise. Spend some time with yourself to explore or find the awesomeness inside of you. While you’re at it, enjoy your now. This time will never come again (for good or for ill) experience it, all of it. Do so mindfully with a sense of wonder. Take in the sensations that living offers. Take some chances on some experiences. We don’t get another try at this thing called life, unless you believe in reincarnation that is. But even then, it won’t be you, here, now.

“There are only two days in the year that nothing can be done. One is called yesterday, and the other is called tomorrow, so today is the right day to love, believe, do, and mostly live.” Dalai Lama

“If you must look back, do so forgivingly. If you must look forward, do so prayerfully. However, the wisest thing you can do is to be present in the present. Gratefully.” Maya Angelou

In her book Grit, Dr. Angela Duckworth tells the story of three bricklayers. When asked “’What are you doing?’ The first says, ‘I am laying bricks.’ The second says, ‘I am building a church.’ And the third says, ‘I am building the house of God.’ The first bricklayer has a job. The second has a career. The third has a calling.”

Do you? Have a calling I mean. Do you have a purpose that all this blood sweat and tears, all this work, all this sacrifice is building towards? Seem too grandiose to even begin to consider? It is not. Do not conflate your goals with your purpose. Both are important but they are not the same. Purpose is… more. I would say it is the difference between doing well and doing good, but that still doesn’t quite capture it. Purpose is your why. What is it that you want to say, do, create, tear down, fix, change to make people’s lives better? It can be your own, your family’s, your communities, all the way up to the world’s. You don’t have to know now, but you do need to start thinking about it. Living your purpose keeps you going when you’re tired, or your experiment isn’t working, or your code won’t compile, or your samples keep getting corrupted. Living your purpose, on purpose lets you actively recalibrate to make sure that the potholes on the road we all travel don’t throw you off course. Your purpose can and will change. Keep focused on it and peace will have a funny way of finding you.

“When you learn to control your thoughts, you learn to control your reality.” — Iyanla Vanzant

“When things change inside you, things change around you.” — Unknown

“You will find peace not by trying to escape your problems, but by confronting them courageously. You will find peace not in denial, but in victory.” — Swami Kriyananda (née J. Donald Walters)

Now go be GREAT!

“Success is peace of mind which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you did your best to become the best you are capable of becoming.” — John Wooden