Lately I wake up with anxiety. I don’t know why, there doesn’t seem to be a reason. My mind seems foggy, my energy is zapped, I don’t feel like doing much except waste my time away watching TV. I am not happy with myself. But I don’t really know how to fix it. At night, usually by the time Josh gets home, I start to get really sad, depressed even and all I want to do is eat or drink. I pray and pray and try to name things I am thankful for. I do my devotional and I pray and I guess some days I feel better then other days.
Since the adoption process started I feel like I have changed. It is not for the better. My anxious and depressive tendancies have taken over and I feel like the person I am left with would not make a good parent to anyone. It makes me feel like I can’t do this, adopt a child. It makes me wonder why God made me with this personalality? Is this just a fleeting feeling or is this deep down who I really am when things get hard? If I adopt a child will it just get worse? How long will Josh put up with me moping around? I feel like its no longer me that’s living but “something” else inside me that comes out to live.
I do have strong beliefs about this situation we are in. I do have hope and some excitement of what is to come eventually. I do have moments and even sometimes hours that I am filled with joy and peace and that I have given it all to God. But then, the sadness starts to creep back in for no reason and no matter how hard I fight or talk myself out of it, the sadness stays.
Why are you allowing this to happen to me God? Why don’t you fill me with joy and peace all day? What am I doing wrong? Please help me! I guess I thought I was better then this. I thought I could handle anxiety and stress well. I’ve taken crazy risks before and I’ve done scary things and I did fine. But then I think of what I was like as a kid. Probably a little OCD, nervous around people, extremely shy, very self conscious, lonely. Maybe that is who I really am and I was just trying to mask it by making myself more out going and brave. Maybe who I really am when I was a kid is who I really am deep down now and I can’t do anything to change it. I thought I had grown so much since then but now I’m not so sure. this is why I wonder sometimes Why God made me with this personality and is asking me to adopt?
But now i think of Moses and how he didn’t think he was gifted at speaking and wondered why God had ask him to represent His voice. God cares about our faith I think. He wants us to feel weak sometimes so He can show us how strong He is. We rarely get to feel so weak in America where we can fairly easily figure out a way to take care of ourselves. Maybe that is what God is trying to show me. To accept my weakness and let him be my strength. I guess this is something I rarely do, accept who I am, my weakness and failure. I always want to strive to be better to do something else. This is a good drive, something I do love about myself but the issue is, I don’t allow weakness and failure in my life hardly at all. It makes me anxious even thinking about not being able to do something well! I often don’t even try if I think I am going to fail. When I was a kid, I didn’t play board games that I thought I would lose at or show that I was stupid. Maybe this is a deep issue God is trying to show me. I am weak and He is strong and that is how I can do this.
Adoption has been so hard. Not for the many practical reasons I can think of like paperwork and fighting to get things done the right way, but its hard because it high lights the sin in my life, the evil that is deep down inside and comes out when I am most anxious. My first sin was holding onto my money. Loving the security it brought and the happiness it brought me to know I could afford things. Adoption was an easy concept for me to obey, giving up most of my savings was not. When we finally decided to start the adoption process, it literally took me 3 weeks to actually write out the first check of 7700$. Then it sat on the table for another couple weeks before I got the nerve to send it. All the while I heard God saying “ Trust and obey.” Because I was having such a hard time letting go of my money, of course this lead to a crisis of belief. If I say I trust God, why am I not trusting Him? I thought this is what I believed but when push comes to shove, I can’t follow through. Has my faith been a lie the whole time. I have been praying and singing in my heart that I loved God and give my life to Him, yet I can’t trust Him with my money?? It just doens’t make sense. It probably took me a whole month to sort through those feelings.
Then I learned about how real spiritual warefare is and when I label it that it makes me WANT to fight it. I don’t want Satan to win. I don’t want Him to keep my child in darkness and depravity. I don’t want him to keep my child in darkness. This reminded me of how God saved us out of darkness. That he loved us so much that He was willing to fight and to give his life up for us in death. He wanted me so much that he kept pursuing me even when I didn’t want Him to and He kept woeing me back to Him. Because He loves me. And I guess in the same way I love this child. I have an indescribable drive to save kids, to give them a second chance, to show them how precious they are and how worthy they are of love. To show them they have incredible worth and were created for a purpose. I want them to see God and know that they are loved. I don’t know where this drive came from, all I can say is I’ve had it in me since I was very young. So I think it must be from God. I was made in His image and I think this part of me, maybe even this one good part of me, is a part of God IN me.
This is why journaling is good for me. It helps me sort out my crazy foggy thoughts into coherent thoughts and lessons that God is teaching me. Lesson for today. God is IN me which means there is good in me, which means I have a purpose and that purpose is to help a child or several children. A spiritual battle is going on, and Satan doens’t want me to save kids. He wants me to feel aweful about myself and convince me that I can’t do this. But God is IN me. This means I have power in me to seek and to save the lost. The same way Jesus did when he was here and I am to mark my life after His. This is one thing I am certain of- God has a plan for me to help seek and to save the lost. I don’t know what that looks like yet, maybe its adoption, maybe its foster kids, maybe its refugees, maybe its abused mothers and kids. I don’t know but I am thankful that each one of those makes me excited and eager to keep living. It makes me want to keep working hard to get the property where I can have the space and room to help potentially ALL of those people!
….. and this is where I have to pause again. Is why I am so depressed and anxious all the time because I want to live these dreams in my OWN strength. Is this what God is now trying to get my attention and say, “ I want to fulfill all these things with you and for you and because I LOVE these people, BUT you CANNOT do this in your OWN strength.” Somehow I have to give this up to God. Its funny because even the giving up, I cannot do in my own strength. God has done so many baby steps in my life to help me learn who God is and trust Him and live such a fulfilling life. This adoption process is my next bigger step to learn from God and lead a more fulfilling and joyful life. I think God wants many of these dreams to come true, but I think I will not enjoy them unless I learn to let God give me the strength instead of doing it in my own strength which leads to anxiety and depression when I fail.
When I say that I give my life to God, this means so many areas I haven’t given over yet. I am learning to give my money when God asks and trust He will PROVIDE. I am learning about what spiritual warefare is and how to WIN against satan. I am learning how to let go and allow God to give me the strength to fulfill the tasks He has for me. I am learning to Trust and Obey when God is moving me to do something I cannot fully understand. I am learning that Vengence is the Lords. I am reminded that people see Christ in me more clearly when I go through trials and to watch what I say about adoptions and the difficulties we have had with our agency. I am getting REALLY excited because i WANT to learn these things. I started this process not wanting to be the same selfish person I am today in 10 years. I want to change because I know this is what will make me happy. This is what will lead to a joyful , peaceful, trusting life. A life that is more fully surrendered to God. A life that trusts in Him more deeply and is thankful for all his GOOD gifts he has given me. Life is so hard and I will never fully master these things, but I can try because I know that is what God wants for me because He loves me and wants the best for me. I can keep living excited and accepting my weakness and failures because I know one day I will be in heaven, complete and perfect with my Savior. It will one day be all made right again and it is there that I will be perfect. I will keep striving to accept my weaknesses because one day I know they will be perfected. I can accept who I am right now because one day I will have a perfect body. I can accept that I have a purpose because God has not taken me to this perfect place yet and He has plans for me to help him draw people to himself. Because He LOVES Us. Thank you Jesus.