Am I Losing My Mind?
Am I losing my mind….A question I’ve asked myself on many occasions and last night (after a heated discussion with my boyfriend in bed about my mental Health and the effect that it has on him) I whispered into the darkness of the night…’I think I AM losing my mind.
I am Diagnosed with EUPD, looking back trough my life I can now see that I have always struggled But I just didnt know any different. After a catatrophic breakdown in my 30’s and again 5 years later and now again at the age of 44 I can now see that I definately had some ‘issues’
I’m not really sure where i want to go with this piece, Ive never actually written anything about my mental health before, Actually I havent written about anything before that would be potentially read by other people. In all Honesty its scary, But that’s not saying much as I’m pretty much terrified by most things currently.
So i’m in the Midst of my Mental Health Journey, Ive been suffering accutely on and off for the past 2 years this time around and It feels by far the worst. I am all at once confused, Over thinking, ruminating, procrastinating and generally self sabotaging and all the while i am totally aware that i am doing so(most of the time) and it feels out of my control. Like i don’t feel I’m in control of my body and mind and it scares the bajeezers outta me.
My current line of thinking is that i will never recover, i will be stuck like this for eternity and if that is my lot in life then i should end it now….
The other thought(TBH there are hundreds) is that I need therapy but I worry that therapy triggers me and makes things worse. Can you see what i’m doing here? I’m getting myself all tangled in thinking knots and i can’t seem to stop, a lot of days feel like groundhog day and i get unbelievably frustrated to the point i just wanna unalive myself.
Anyhow, I dont want this to become ‘heres all my crazy symptoms’ pity party (Although id probably love one of those!) I’m just writing i think to see if i can make sense of any of this stuff……Also if anybody else out there has or is feeling similar…rest assured you are not the only one.
I’m trying to take comfort in the idea that people do recover and can be helped, but i do have to tell myself this repeatedly and try and ‘hear it through all of the negativity.
I will endeavor to write again of my experience with my disordered brain, until then, one foot in front of the other my fellow warriors x
