I miss him-Reuploaded (original date: Dec. 20)
This blog is about writing out my feelings without fear, right? Well, here it is. I just lost a great friend. My jealousy got in the way of reasoning but jealousy in general is difficult to control. Insecurity, love, and fear are a bad combinations to have. They drive you mad. If it is not regulated properly, then mistakes happen.
He’s a good person. He doesn’t take shit from anyone and if he has to, well he can handle it. I considered him as one of my closest friends. This does not come often as I am usually very skeptical of others. When I find someone who I can get close to, I start to develop this fear that it’ll all end in the end. This is why I don’t believe in the concept of “best friends”. It’s a fantasy that I have not believed in since I was a little girl. As soon as I call them one, they disappear from my line of sight. So I have always avoided this term. This unnecessary title. He was some one I considered to be close to being one though. However, it was always one-sided.
I fell for him as well. Unintentionally of course. Even that was one sided. How pitiful I must seem. Numerous times before, he told me to look at his actions despite the shit that he said. Does this apply to those conditions as well? Am I supposed to look in-between the lines? How I truly wanted to believe that but I can’t. It’s delusional. He may bean asshole when he wants to be but he’s an honest one. He has no reason to lie to me. He also had no reason to mock me as well…
I told him “I couldn’t take it anymore”. The pain of bending my back just to please him was no longer worth it. I was willing to be be his friend. I still do. But apparently that’s not part of his conditions when talking to me again. I miss him. I miss my friend. The one who I message when I usually wake up for a conversation. The one who I play games with. The one who hates lending out his ear but does it anyway to indulge me lol. He cares for me but not in the same way as I did, nor on the same level. I don’t want to lose a friend but I’m afraid I did. It hurts but I just only wished to be friends with him now. But apparently that’s not possible… Why am I the only one who experiences this form of loss. Where if can’t satisfy our friendship, then I lose him as a whole. What kind of gamble is that.
You know what was unfortunate? Never once in my life did I regret being a woman, until a few months ago. There were times where I thought being a man was easier, but only now did I feel the shame of being a girl.
I always knew it wasn’t worth it, it just took me this long to act on it. Why? Because I hate losing a good friend. Someone who I am open to despite our ups and downs. Regardless, I still value him as he will always be a memory I will remember. Thank you for being a good friend, FB. You’ll always be my Homeboy.reu