Father, how can I forgive you for the things you never apologized for?
It’s Father’s Day. My social media feed is full of greetings, surprises, and celebrations about their dads, celebrating how they are the heroes of the home, and constantly being their soldiers in the painful war of life.
I am happy for them, but at the same time, I envy them.
To my father, I’m still wondering what I did wrong in my past life to deserve you. Was I that bad that I got you as my dad? If I could pick a father, I’d never pick you. You were never an option.
I want you to know that I am angry. I am a child with a heart full of hatred. My words bleed. Everything about me is full of anger — I am always at war. You made me like this. You were supposed to be the first man of my life, but you hurt me. And I hate that I still search for you everywhere. I look for pieces of you in strangers, in friends, hoping to find the father I needed but never had. I can’t seem to fill the emptiness you left behind.
I know it’s your first time in this life, but it’s my first too — and you made me feel like I don’t want another anymore. You made me feel like love is a lie, like trust is a joke. The scars you left run deep, and they build every relationship I have. I am afraid to love, afraid to trust, afraid to hope. You took away my innocence and left me with fear and doubt.
How could you just walk away from your daughter? Did you ever really love me? How can a father forget his own daughter and live a life without the guilt of his sins? How can you do that so easily? I beg you to teach me, to teach me how to forget you. To not think of you every Father’s Day.
“He’s still your father, forgive him. It was a long time ago,” they say. I hate that everybody just expects me to forgive like it’s the easiest thing in the world. How can I let go of the pain that still lingers everywhere I go? It’s a constant ache in my heart, a shadow that follows me. It’s like being haunted by someone that is still alive.
My childhood, which you ruined, will never return to me. All those birthdays that passed without you, New Year’s celebrations, Christmas eves, every time I stood on stage to receive an award — you were never there. You didn’t raise me. You chose to leave, to walk away.
“I miss the father you never were”.
How can I forgive you for the things you never apologized for?
I guess, it’s okay for now to not listen to them telling me I should forgive you. It’s okay if I need more time to heal, to come to terms with the hurt you caused. It’s okay if I still feel anger and pain. They say time heals all wounds, but it’s okay to take as much time as I need to find healing within myself.
I don’t know when I will heal. But I’m trying my best. The child inside me is doing her best to survive, to be independent and strong, because she had no other choice. Every day is a battle, but she fights on, clinging to hope and the belief that one day, this pain will soften, and she will find peace.
Happy Father’s Day. I hate that your blood runs in my veins.
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I really wrote this with a heavy heart. It’s been so long, but the pain is still here. I wish I could feel numb. I want to escape these oceans of sadness and waves of memories. I hate you, Father. If being your daughter is my only role in this world, I wish I was never born. : )
