One thing about me is that I can never stop comparing myself to the people that my lover has loved in the past. We’ve always had those times where we sit together, just the two of us, talking about how our lives were before we met. I’m a sensitive person, but I didn’t want that to hinder my chance to get to know my lover better. I brought up the topic of our past — well, more specifically, his past.
He looked at me with a smile, a glimmer of longing visible in his eyes as he talked about the first few girls who’d captured his heart. It was somehow also my fault for asking out of curiosity despite knowing how much it would bother me, but the way he talked about those girls with so much care and respect… Even though it pained me to see him talk about other girls with such admiration, I couldn’t help but listen to him.
So this is how he loves?
I thought about it over and over again as he talked about the girls that he had loved, all into creepy crawlies like bugs and rats, yet unfortunately, here I was, the only person out of all of them who was afraid of animals.
I watched him talk so proudly about a girl whom he cherished so much — the first friend he had. A person who depended on him for happiness, and was completely left alone. But despite his absence, the girl didn’t lose any faith and continued to hope that one day he’d come back to her. And he did. But that was long before we were together. Yet why did it bother me so much? He gave her a handmade gift as an apology. Only an apology, for leaving her alone. It was just a gift to commemorate their friendship. So then, why did he decide to give it to her on Valentine’s Day? Knowing that the receiver had never gotten a gift from anyone before.
Of course I knew that love wasn’t just about romance, yet the way he talked about her, recalling his memories of her… It’s what bothered me so much. He talked about her so sweetly, filled with desire as if he missed her and her presence.
Before I knew it, my heart started to ache and the tears started pouring out. I didn’t know why I was crying, it was so stupid of me to cry when I was the one who initiated the conversation. I needed to stop crying, yet I only kept wiping and wiping the tears away from my eyes with the sleeves of my cardigan.
Once he heard my cries, he came closer to me and wrapped his arms around me, trying to comfort me. He asked me why I suddenly sobbed, and I told him. I told him what bothered me. I apologized for my stupidity, how even though I knew that I was sensitive to such topics I still decided to bring it up.
He only laughed. A slight chuckle as he withdrew his embrace, wiping away my tears with his own fingers.
“You know what made me fall in love with you?”
His gentle voice rang in my ears as I looked up at him, my face frozen.
“It was your difference.”
He spoke, taking hold of my cheek as he smiled at me.
“It was your difference that captivated me.”
He continued.
“Your uniqueness is beautiful, don’t you know that? You’re alluring in your own way. Even I didn’t expect myself to fall for someone so out of my own standards, but it was such a great surprise. Because I got to meet you. I got to know you. Being different isn’t a bad thing, you know? Even if you weren’t like the girls I’d loved in the past, you still have your own charm. And that’s what made you so different from the rest of them. That’s what made you so excruciatingly beautiful, so special and so precious.”
I couldn’t answer him. The whole room was engulfed with silence. I swore I could’ve heard my own heartbeat.
“I realized that if only our similarities bring us together, then what else would connect us? Differences are important for the two of us because it actually makes me want to understand you better, to learn more about you, to know who you are as a person.”
He embraced me again, another tight hug, enough for our hearts to meet each other.
“I’m thankful that I got to meet you. I love you. For who you are and who you’re to be. I’ll always love you regardless.”
