Alt-Right in the Family

Filmed in front of a live studio audience.

DONALD [yelling]: Melania, where’s my butler? There should be coffee out here, on the table, waiting for me when I get down here in the morning.

BUTLER [enter old man dressed in traditional butler outfit, Austrian accent]: I am so sorry, Mr. Trump. I’d run out of coffee grounds and had to go out and fetch some.

DONALD: You got the mountain-grown kind, right? I like my coffee mountain-grown.

BUTLER: Yes, sir, it says mountain-grown right on the can.

MELANIA [enters, stands in the background]: Daaahnahld, did you call for me?

DONALD [to butler]: Good. Let me tell you, mountain-grown is the best coffee. The best.

[IVANKA enters, audience applauds]

IVANKA: Daddy, we need to talk about all of this “groping” stuff. This is getting out of hand. I stated on television that you were not a groper. I stuck up for you.

DONALD: Listen, little girl, the press is out to get me. You know it and I know it. They will say anything to get that crooked dingbat into office, including making me out to be a sexual premeditator.

IVANKA: “Sexual predator.” And it’s not helping when you talk about how your accusers are not attractive enough for you to have wanted to grope them. Do you understand why saying that makes you look worse?

DONALD: Hey, if those women looked half as good as my little girl, I’d go easy on them. I will not be insulted like that publicly. Look at me. Look at me. I don’t think so. I don’t grope dogs. You know that as well as I do.

IVANKA: [rolls eyes, covers crotch with purse]

[IVANKA’S HUSBAND JARED KUSHNER enters, in a huff]

JARED: Donald!

DONALD: Oh, here we go, dimples from New Jersey has something on his mind. Let’s hear it.

JARED: Donald, lately there’s been a lot of press about how you’re referencing the Alt-Right at rallies and retweeting them. Do you understand what the Alt-Right is? For one thing, they hate Jews. Openly.

DONALD: Okay, I’m not gonna cop to that, but that reminds me: Roger Ailes, that friggin’ genius, it was his idea to end my convention speech by playing “All Right Now.” [sings] “Allllt Right now. Baby it’s uh-Alt Right now.” They loved that. The Daily Stormer guys totally got it.

JARED: So you’re admitting that you are on board with this extremist movement that thinks Jews want to take over the world? And that black people are intellectually inferior? Do you remember that I, myself, and your daughter, are of the Jewish faith?

DONALD: Oh, jeez, do you have to remind me that you forced my little girl to become a kike to marry the likes of you?

JARED: Listen, Donald, you are now playing along with a growing movement of people who are either sympathetic to Nazi ideas or who are straight-up Nazis. And I don’t think you understand the repercussions of that.

DONALD: Oh, repercussions, my ass. At least those guys have a backbone. And they know what it means to make America great again.

JARED: Yeah, by beating up your detractors, jailing your political rivals, and bullying the press?

DONALD: Don’t play innocent with me. You know perfectly well the Jews do run the media, Mr. “I Own the New York Observer.” You all own it. You and your “skype” friends. That’s what they are calling them now. Skypes. It’s more politically correctable, for the public’s delicate ears. And, yes, the Jews hate me. Big time. They hate me even though I allowed a skype into my family, out of the goodness of my heart, for my beautiful little girl. Cause I’m a generous, loving man. Nobody is more generous and loving than me. Isn’t that right, Melania?

MELANIA [zoning out in the background, startled to be acknowledged]: Yes, Daaahnahld, and you always said Jared would be a valuable part of this family, with his beeg buildings and his daddy Charlie Kushner…

DONALD: Oh, stifle, Melania. Listen. Youse guys are not getting the zeitghost of what is going on in this country. It’s more than just controlling the borders and manufacturing stuff here in this country…

JARED: Oh, yes, like your ties and your hats and everything in your hotels…

DONALD [yelling]: And it’s more than just keeping the terrorists out. We’ve got right here in this country the blacks rioting and Muslims plotting, and the normal everyday Joe Americans getting pushed out of everything: Jobs, entertainment, sports…

JARED: So you think the solution is to deepen the conflicts and demean people and make everyone feel worse? To what end? Wouldn’t diplomacy and conciliatory leadership go a lot further in making this a better country?

DONALD: No, dimples, it would not. Conchilia…consheela…that egghead shit don’t work. None of that PC crap. We need a president that will bring down the hammer, and I mean hard. We need a president that will clean the slate, by any means necessary. Someone who will make sure the right people are in place in government. To crack the whip. To fence in the undesirables…

[JARED and IVANKA look at each other with with urgency]

IVANKA: Daddy, what if, instead of the presidency, you had something way more fun and way more powerful. Your own television network! You could be on TV all the time, you could sell stuff, you could fire people…

DONALD [after a thoughtful pause]: Little girl, this is why you are the last thing I think of when I go to bed and the first thing I think of when I wake up. That’s genius. Come here, give me a hug.

[IVANKA leans back as her father hugs her, hands everywhere]

BUTLER: Your breakfast, sir. Surf and turf with a Bloody Mary.

[BUTLER sets food down on table, clicks heels, does “Sieg Heil” gesture and exits.]

DONALD [rubbing hands together]: Oh, man, I am going to have my way with this food. I am going to devour this food like a bitch.

IVANKA: What does that even mean?

MELANIA [meekly]: The language is unnappropriate.

DONALD [yelling]: Stifle, Melania. TV. Yes. My own network. Incredible. This will be tremendous.

JARED [frustrated, eye roll, picking up cell phone]: Aaaand I’ll just go ahead and get my fellow skypes on the phone and see what we can do…

[END SCENE, PIANO MUSIC]