Articles That Aren’t Helpful During the Pandemic

Image by S.T. Kruglnska

Each directly inspired by real coverage of COVID-19.

Is It Airborne?: Our In-Depth Twenty-Paragraph Shoulder Shrug

Rhode Island: Should Killing a New Yorker Be Considered Self Defense or Euthanasia?

Protective Masks: Let Us Present Contradictory Information That Defies Logic Because Obviously, If We Don’t, You’re Going To Forego All Suggested Alternatives and Buy Up Those Nonexistent N-95s, You Lowlife Immoral Asshole

That Black Velvet “Yogi Bear” Painting: A Guide to Deciding Which Lame, Disturbing or Infantilizing Artwork You Should Take Down When Web-Camming for Work

The New York Chimes Pantry Essentials: Despaña Anchovies, Har Bracha Tahini Paste, Uncooked Flageolet Beans and Our Insanely Complicated Cooking Instructions Are All You Need for the Next Four Weeks

Not Meow: Your Dog May Be Happy You Are in Quarantine But Your Cat is Already Sick of You

Shoots and Mummers: A Forty-Three-Year Old Sits on a Bench in Riverside Park with Her Laptop Among a Hundred New York City Joggers While Writing This Humor Piece Lambasting Those Dumb Eighteen-Year-Old Spring Breakers

The Paul Thomas Anderson and Coen Brothers Eye-Roll-a-Thon: Our Recommendations for Streaming Movies You Already Knew We’d Recommend

Dispatch from the Pandemic Epicenter: How AirBNB-ing My Kids, Delivery Nebulizers, and My Apple Watch Got Me Through the Virus

Safe Shopping: Tips That Negate Everything We Suggested Three Days Ago

Living Alone: If You Get It, God Bless

Freelance writer, editor, and podcaster (The Shining 2:37, Rosemary’s Baby 6:66). I have confidence in ME! (Just kidding.)

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