· Every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings.
· Every time a music box chimes, a seraphim gets a “Heavenly Host of the Month” framed certificate.
· Every time a cat purrs, a martyred saint gets a strip of five tickets that may be accumulated and cashed in for a range of prizes.
· Every time Ron Howard’s “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” is shown, an angel gets an hour-and-fifty-minute nosebleed.
· Every time “Nickelback” is used as a punch line, a soul is welcomed into Hell.
· Every time a Christmas ornament shatters, a demon gets to lower the temperature in its living quarters by 10 degrees.
· Every time a snow globe is shaken, John the Baptist gets a migraine.
· Every time someone utters the word “cuck,” an archangel punches a nephilim in the face.
· Every time a refrigerator door is left open and starts beeping, a soul in purgatory gets uncontrollably itchy.
· Every time someone gets the hiccups, a cherub’s halo glows rotating rainbow colors and spews sparkles. It’s super-cool.
· Every time the song “FEFE” is played, God puts down whatever He is doing and looks off into the distance for a moment, without really looking at anything.
· Every time a door shuts on its own, it scares the crap out of Jesus, even though He knows it’s just the wind.
· Every time socks are given as a present, Lucifer downs a scotch.