How Classic Rockers Have Lied to Me

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· Toto had absolutely no authority to bless anything down in Africa.

· That bustle in my hedgerow has been sitting there, alarmingly filthy, for years.

· Thunder is caused by the sudden increase in atmospheric pressure and temperature from lightning, which produces a rapid expansion of air resulting in a sonic shock wave. This can easily occur without the presence of rain.

· I, too, have counted the cars on the New Jersey Turnpike, and most of them are on their way to the Garden State Plaza or the Bergen Mall. They’ve all come to look for sales.

· If, in the end, the love you make is equal to the love you take, that is 100 percent coincidence.

· Since 1967, there has not been a single American human to reach the age of nineteen unaware of the Queen of Soul. Perhaps, Steely Dan, refrain from plying your teen date with Cuervo Gold to the point that she can’t come up with names, let alone safely roller-skate.

· The wife of Burton Cummings, lead singer of The Guess Who, is a female American citizen. Additionally, the couple currently resides in California, which is heavily populated by women who are American.

· It’s pronounced nah-BŌ-kof, Sting, and because of you I will forever articulate that legendary author’s name like an idiot. Thanks, pal.

· Johnny’s violin performance was objectively less creative and technically less skilled than The Devil’s.

· Do I even need to bring up the “playing pinball by sense of smell” thing?

· All we are is mussed in the wind. Fixed it for ya. Antidepressants work, my friend. As do combs.

· Sometimes the good die old, sometimes the bad die young. As Shakespeare wrote, “Death, a necessary end, will come when it will come.” And no, Billy Joel, I’m not sleeping with you.

· Major Tom resolved his space capsule’s issues and made it safely back to Earth to reunite with his wife. Shut up. That’s what happened. I’m not listening to you. [COVERING EARS] EARTH BELOOOOOW US…

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