Blue White Lightening Bolt
A permanent solution to a temporary problem. Skeletons shaken, unburdened and named. “Deliberate ingestion of barbiturates”. Genealogy exposes shards of pain the adults buried long ago to protect her name. Is it my place to share it?
I repeated it in attempts that were interrupted. Tainted by Special touch from toddler status onward. Life sustaining action dictated by trusted
older relative. I did save his life by doing what he said. Lot of power for an eight year old.
Shame at having let God, myself and those entrusted to me down. Failure to protect. Failure to be true to me by following what I knew to be right. Rules cannot be bent with no consequences. Sin is sin. Once given before correct circumstances, started layers of darkness. Smothered in guilt of damaged goods, my smoldering morass got to heavy to carry. I read my Psalms and Lamentations. I knew I was the harlot.
Seeing no way out, I bought the lie that everyone in my life would be better off not having to deal with the heaviness that was me. Not only did it drain me but all those around me. My children, my siblings and my friends. My parents were already gone.
The Abyss was too deep. No way to climb out. I could not feel my mustard seed of faith. I could not see the pinhole of light. I felt it would never pass. Stuck. What kind of life is that? No energy to cook. Hygiene neglect. Inner Mush. No way out.
This was my third attempt to escape my path. An inner blue-white lightening bolt seared my brain. No coming back. No more energy to survive. I prepared to go to sleep forever. I knew it was a sin. I felt God would understand my desperation state of being. I was no good to myself and no good to my children ages seventeen to seven.
My friend kept calling my house. I stopped answering the phone.
The guy I had been seeing, was hitting on the woman I had also been seeing. Double sin. I had gone to the bar, got good and drunk. Slept a married someone at the bar. Triple compounded sin.
God acts in mysterious ways. My eldest had chosen that night to sneak out. When she came home and answered the phone, my friend told her to call 911.
I had taken a bottle of Librium and half pint of rum. I was in my room unbuttoning my shirt to get ready to go to bed. My bedroom door opened and this short police woman walked into my room. “What are you doing?” she said.
“Getting ready for bed. What are you doing here?” “Did you take some pills on top of drinking all night?” She told me to button my shirt back up beccause I was going with her. There was a stretcher there . I told her I could walk.
I banged my head getting into the ambulance and sat on the stretcher. That is all I remember until waking up hours later puking up charcoal. My friend and her wife were at the hospital. I was angry with my friend and with God.
That was thirty three years ago. I am very thankful to God for never letting go of me. I am a survivor of incest, PTSD, suicide and chemical abuse, clinical depression and anxiety attacks. Through Jesus and the Twelve Steps I have found a life that surpasses anything I could have imagined.
I faced my siblings one at a time. Those who knew. In doing my genealogy I found bipolar depression, and chemical dependency. I treat my depression and anxiety as I do my chemicals. I have a kit of Spiritual tools. I know when to seek help from the medical profession. I stay in the Word daily. I have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.
When I get into a mental health epispde I know in my mind that it will pass. I know how to keep my self safe until it does. I know when to give my meds to someone until those If-y times pass. For me, this has all been done in Jesus name by the guidance of the Holy Spirit and learning of a Fathers Love.
As I stated in the beginning, it is a permanent solution to a temporary problem
The CAUSE of suicide is undealt with sin. (Dwight Smith August 2020)
Sin must be confessed and allow God to do Spiritual surgery.
I have been so good at making excuses to stay stuck because of what they did to me. I am responsible for my actions. It took me years to see that reactions are not the same as taking time and choosing how I want to act.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Corinthians 4:16.