Gone

I never really understood why people who were in abusive relationships never just left. Now Iunderstand why maybe it can be so damn hard. 3 years, I mean come on now 3 years going through an abusive relationship and i always took him back… Why? The abuser usually has some sort of mental disorder meaning they can play the victim most of the time. The manipulation, the fear, being use to it, and the baby are the reasons i never left. I was weak, he knew me so well, he shaped me into a anti-social weirdo. He claimed he loved me after every hit to the face or after every demand. I couldn’t even hang out with friends without him being in the same room stealing my time with them. He had to be center of attention and I hated that because he took every piece of my pride to where even when I was center of attention I was stuck. I was afraid to be myself around him so I went with what he wanted me to be when he was around due to fear and I kinda just stayed like that which made me unhappy. Made me lose myself. I didn’t know what I was doing anymore. At that point you know you’re stuck, you know the fear of him already and you don’t like testing it. You don’t want to get hit again… no please not again.. it’s not good for the baby. So i will listen to you… I couldn’t snap out of it it’s like i was so use to living like that i started to think it was normal. “Maybe this is what couples who are in love do.” Ha, no you stupid little girl you are just to scared to runaway, you’ve gotten yourself so deep into this mess it’s going to take more than just you now to get rid of this toxic human. I woke up everyday telling myself “I’m telling him to leave today.” “I’m telling him to leave today.” “I’m telling him to leave today.” …. Never told him. I’d throw hints. I was like a deer stuck in the headlights of oncoming traffic except instead of the cars stopping I got ran over and over and over again but somehow stayed alive. I was living in fear, unhappiness, and hurt. He never seemed to care, i know he knew i was unhappy he would tell me everyday i look unhappy but never pointed at himself. It was always assumptions of me cheating or fighting with a secret lover. I couldn’t believe him such a coward. My phone was pretty much his he had it on him all the time to the point I didn’t even care about a phone anymore or a social life. I was just waiting for the day for him to finally see that the love and happiness was gone so he can leave. until than I just stayed myself put. Yeah right, he was obsessed, overly possessive of me to the point where if I even said I was going to wear a dress and get cute he’d fight with me and throw my things around like a crazy animal. He would tell me what to wear because that way no one will want me only him. I was left to always clean that mess up. I thought of who I use to be. before him. I was young and wild, free and positive. I never had much worries except making it home before sun rise when i would sneak out or getting caught looking high in class, maybe wasn’t the right path but I was happy knowing that I was being myself. I was doing what I wanted to do even though most of it was bad choices, I knew I would grow up and snap out of it. I knew myself, I had goals, dreams, ideas, and inspirations. It’s crazy how one day you can wake up and all that is gone.