12/6/16

I am freewriting again I have expanded the time I do it from 5 to 15 minutes 5 minutes was much to easy probably because my thoughts unconsciously stream like a river already nonstop and free-flowing. Actually sometimes they are constructed and structured too conclusively and concretely, like granite. My thoughts are liquid granite nah that sounds too cool to be me. Anyways I think that if I do this everyday even if its dripping dreck it’ll be something to do, something to show for. Better than not doing anything every day and letting my life drift to dust (I like the word drift.) Today was a long soul day my eyes are still raw (they feel like peeled onions like they are exposed, man) How was your day? I am wondering should I start a blog or just continued on here I was drawn by the simplicity and minimalism but its beginning to feel restrictive. I am sleepy. We are going to eat Chinese soon also I am composing this while timing myself on my phone so it’s all good. My thoughts are slower today, probably also dampened by my drowsiness. I love alliteration and I miss writing but it’s so difficult usually my long and all consuming thoughts wrap around me but when I try to translate it into text or image they turn slow and harden like sludge or paste and no one likes those…Those are gross. So I stop. Maybe that’s what happened before I used to write so much man I was In Love with writing and it was crazy it was like we were married I would sacrifice food and sleep for reading and writing and now I can barely believe that that was me, that that was my past and that I was doing that ok crafting coherent sentences and phrases and words and slowing me down lets move to more abstract abstractions and go freeform as prev. mentioned. rug I’m sitting on a rug its very soft or actually I can’t really tell because I’m sitting on it and a cloth is separating us (my jeans) this is really not worth reading haha lets pursue an interesting topic! I crave your attention everyone listen to me basically how do you create genius. That’s my question how can I create something that’s worth creating and worth existing ok I shifted my position to better accommodate my typing see all of my sentences, maybe they sound nice, maybe you like them, maybe they’re pretty good for a 16 almost 17 year old (or maybe not! who’s to know I’ve existed in a tiny suffocating bubble for so long someone pop it) but all of them are pre-half constructed there is a familiar formula that I use to construct my sentences and they are tough and unforgiving and I am tired and they sound nice but they aren’t good, or Good as I mean to say sorry I got sidetracked halfway through the last tangent my aunt is making french toast! French toast is a good food buttery soft buttery but then again how do you make something unique and new and original without being too “innovative”, genre-bending to the point where it’s excessive and annoying (those hipsters with those bendy mustaches, ‘this is my greatest creation,’ and rattles off a list of ingredients and description on why its so special) but why am I wanting to do this probably because sometimes I don’t feel deep anymore it’s very shallow and soft and I really don’t like that. I really hate it it’s like a gentle numbness (substitute gentle for a harsher more negative word) but anyways I’m so frustrated and empty but sometimes it’s in a very non-intense way? I feel like I’m floating isolated in space. And also I’ve forgotten how to write. I don’t know what happened to my past self, the one that was so ambitious and creative and could easily spend 10hrs writing and wrote shit but at least it was something, at least the product piled high and never ceased, like I’m ceasing right now, I’m ceasing so hard my fingers are hesitant and reluctant and probably whatever I’m creating has been created before but the things that haven’t been created, are they even worth creating? Maybe creativity is dead. Maybe everything good has already been created, and those following are forced to wallow in mediocrity. (That’s dramatic) well what do you expect man. I’m tired and God I’m tired all the time now I wonder if something is wrong with me like I’m lacking iron my brain is moving slow I need some coffee but coffee gives me headaches probably I don’t know why today was so long this morning feels like yesterday I just want to make something important.