“Loving him can make me feel like i’m still alive with all the butterflies in my stomach and flutters in my heart.”
I’ve always wanted to die for a long time. I always felt sadness in my heart. Even when I was laughing and happy at school, when I went back home, I would again feel this endless sadness.
When I started 12th grade, a lot of problems came as if they had been waiting for the right time. What I felt now was no longer endless sadness but turned into this endless emptiness.
I found myself daydreaming more often, my mind in turmoil. I was the one laughing, crying, and getting angry, yet my heart still felt empty. I felt like I wasn’t really alive, like my soul was going to disappear with this emptiness creeping through my body.
Then I began to feel that there was a throbbing in my heart that made me feel a little alive at school. His name was Noah, Noah Han. He was a junior in my school who had just entered the high school — a boy that I had liked since the first time I saw him.
Seeing Noah at school made me feel really happy. The pounding in my heart made me slowly feel more alive when I saw him. Of course, when I returned home, I would feel empty again. But at least when I was at school, I felt that my soul was back with the pounding in my heart.
After I follow Noah’s Instagram account, it turns out that every time there is a new post on snapgram or his Instagram feeds, it also makes me thump and feel a little more alive when I’m at home. I think It’s funny how the presence of someone with whom I don’t even have a special interaction can make me feel a little more alive.
When I was having a bad day, the universe seemed to take pity on me, so Noah would usually appear in front of my eyes. For example, when I was having problems in class, suddenly Noah, who rarely left the classroom, appeared in front of my eyes with his friends, or when I was having a bad day because of problems at home, he suddenly came to school very early in the morning at the same time as me, who had just arrived too, even though I knew Noah always came to school when the gate was almost closed, not early like this.
If one day I have a chance and boldness before I graduate, I will say thank you so much to him because his existence means a lot in my life.
