Attempting to Find Happy

I’ve decided to journal daily, and publish those writings. I love writing and have to do something to force myself into doing it. These won’t always be cohesive, but they are writings.

I have a tendency to romanticize things — to tell myself that it will get better, and then spending my time thinking about the ways in which it could get better. First it was dreaming about having a stable job and income, convincing myself that once I had money in my account, things would be better. It turns out that there’s other things to worry about!

I’ve long thought that one can be happy in any situation if you work at it — but it’s a skill that I lack. It could be my depression (which I’m currently not treating) worsening and preventing happiness, but I find myself emotional to the extent of crying daily. Motivating myself to work is becoming more difficult, and motivating myself to do social activities is near-impossible.

I’m thinking professional help may prove beneficial, as I’m becoming increasingly concerned as to whether this is something I can handle on my own. Not having health insurance makes that considerably more difficult, however, as out-of-pocket costs for therapy are very high. I suppose that my mental health is more important than nice electronics, and a high balance in my bank account, but convincing myself of that isn’t easy.

Next steps? Get insurance. Find a mental healthcare provider. Consider hormones? Continue working, spend time with my partner.

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