The Best Gift You Can Give Your Husband Is a Suit of Rabid Scorpions.

Men are visual creatures — way more so than women. That’s because Men are From Mars, and everyone knows that martians are made entirely of eyeballs (And eyeball-goo.) (To keep their eyeballs in tip-top shape.) (They’re not monsters, y’all.)

Soon you’ll trap your very own Eyeball and convince him to enter into a ‘til-death-do-you-part pact. Which will be celebrated as all death pacts are, in front of your friends and family and Natalie from HR (who brought her roommate Allison. Again. It’s sweet that they’re so close that they hold hands but it’s also like hello, does she not even appreciate that you sat her next to eligible Eyeball Brad from Accounting who also has a second career as the fourth alternate in his improv group, “I’s Balls”?)

At his Bachelor Party (Archie McPhee)

So you’ve spent your parents’ 401K on flowers (that your baby cousin vomited in) (how dare she be allergic to flowers it is your wedding) and a dress that you will hate approximately 63 months from now and a choice of beef tournedos and chicken Marsala and cake that is supposed to be vanilla raspberry creme with the tiniest hint of passionflower that everyone keeps saying is divine but the truth is that no one knows what passionflower tastes like.

After the ceremony, take a moment and revel in the fact that you have achieved your greatest life goal. You’ve pinned down the Goatee’d Giant Eyeball of your dreams! But now you have to keep him! And the only way that you are going to keep him is to give him something exciting to look at every single day. Do not listen to the lying packs of feminists (cough cough, Natalie from HR!) who roam the streets during the blood moon, devouring cuckolded Eyeballs in an attempt to fill their hollow souls. (Legend has it when a feminist consumes her 100th male her hair turns blue.)

Do not give into their siren songs of equal pay and reproductive choice! Your Eyeball’s gaze must never waver, must never blink. This is your job. This is your duty. Forget refugee kids! Forget homeless dogs! Forget Natalie in HR! (Who invited you to a shower for her and Allison, which makes, like, no sense. Since when do roommates have wedding showers?)

Your mission is to make sure that you are exciting to look at at all times. Maintain your juice cleanse. Attend SoulCycle religiously. Anoint yourself with pancake batter (but for the love of god, do not eat it!) Speak only in rhyme. Get a face tattoo of his face, so it’s like looking into a mirror. Cover yourself in rabid scorpions. This is the only way you will have a lasting, loving marriage. Trust me, I know. I got married last week.