i don’t want to address anyone specifically, but i live in my own socially experimental set ups. i need to spew into the abyss of the internet.
i need to unload without any particular recipient.
i’ve spent the last few months posting more sexy content on instagram.
why? is it my daddy issues, my mental instability, my need for positive affirmations and likes to help solidify that my physical body is worthy of its existence and consequentially my spirit deserves to thrive?
who knows.
maybe i just stopped caring. stopped giving a fuck.
maybe i want to exist fully without the wandering eye of guilt over my aura.
maybe i want it all out there to attract the most accepting.
it’s been a year. a long year. it’s not even over.
for whatever reason outsiders and onlookers can stare at me and judge me, and simply read into any old booty picture and dismantle my worth.
i’m more than a simple assumption.
i feel. i try. i ache. i learn. i weep. i smile. i flirt. i fall. i fail. i burn.
i am an open person. i won’t let the tribulations and constant negativity push me under the water and drown me anymore. i am human.
pleading with strangers to remind them of our humanity. this is where i end.
maybe the power of these screens and these keyboards diminish the skin and bones that carry us in and out of the others life… lives.
i have been imperfect consistently and i have done whatever i can in my power to own that.
deeply emotional. sensitive to a fault. reactive to destruction.
i have never questioned my purpose or my intentions on this planet more than the past months.
to actually hold on to and recognize the emptiness that leads to standing on the ledge.
to sit and empathize with your former self.
to walk in the door and sit down and reconcile with your desire to end it all.
to say goodbye.
to all the faces, the hearts, the loves that dot this constellation of life: goodbye?
to think about all the smiles you’ll never have again. the hands you wont grip during hardship.
still, not enough.
you want to go,
you want to give it all up.
i just can’t lose anymore.
so when you derail a train thats already off its tracks.
don’t feel responsible.
every day is a beautiful chance.
roll the dice. i’m feeling lucky,
i’m feeling lucky, and even if i lose again…
i’m happy i made it here.
i’m happy i chose to keep it all in here.
to feel it.
to bargain and place a bet on myself.
choosing to live.
every day.
[so maybe i’m an airhead, maybe i depend on my body, maybe i seek validation like an unquenched animal, maybe i prey for love, maybe i give too much away, maybe i’m a gambler, maybe i’m a whore, maybe i’m unworthy, maybe i was better when i was sick in a completely different, maybe i’m fucked up, maybe i have issues, maybe i’m too much, maybe i’m a liar, maybe i’m not sure of anything, maybe i’m just spatially existing, maybe i’m waiting for my spiritual savior, maybe i’m my own]
i chose to live
anyways.
