I Danced With the Devil and Won
The devil was my mom, the prize was my life
I have heard it said that challenges are actually the Universe's way of helping us grow — gifts in the form of adversity.
‘Thanks, mom, for being my greatest gift.’
It took many decades for me to be able to say this with sincerity and gratitude. When I was going through the meat grinder of life, I didn’t see it as a ‘gift,’ whether with my mom or anyone else.
Always on guard, my senses were heightened, scanning for signs of my mom’s displeasure. I could actually see the anger and disapproval manifest in her face. I feel queasy just thinking about it.
I wasn’t always aware of how my life was affected when I wasn’t around her. I hear and read stories all the time of people who cling to limiting beliefs and heartbreak taken on without even knowing it, stored away in the subconscious mind only to emerge at the worst possible times.
Healing requires being vulnerable, which is truly courageous
Our life experiences/gifts may be different, but the feelings of rejection and pain are the same.
It’s no secret that there are many roads to consciously or subconsciously feeling:
- I don’t matter
- I’m not good enough
- No one understands me
- I don’t deserve: insert your positive thought
- My life sucks (no wonder with the above thoughts!)
I learned that limiting beliefs can be lobbed our way through no fault of our parents or other well-meaning people, or they can be shot intentionally like a poison arrow, straight through the heart.
Soon I was feeling unworthy in situations that had nothing to do with my mom. Although I outwardly presented positivity, I was bathing in a bath of negativity. I was, like my mom, my own worst enemy. I never realized how serious the damage was until I started the work of excavating.
Healing trauma is an inside job and not for the faint of heart.
I have been doing this work for two decades — YES, two decades. The journey was like an intravenous drip of healing, slow but steady, with peaks and plateaus. As I knew better, I did better.
Progress was slow.
Perhaps that’s the best way to heal and grow. Nonetheless, it is a frustrating path.
I’ve got nothing but time.
My North Star keywords: lighthearted, flow, calm.
Empathy: the ability to understand and share the feelings of another
From my early years through my twenties, I took on my mom’s unhappiness while grappling with the perfectionism she doled out in the form of judgment — everything was her way or the wrong way.
“When perfectionism is driving, shame is always riding shotgun and fear is the annoying backseat driver” — Brene Brown
I’ve always given my mom a pass because she had a lousy life. This hurts to say because I never gave myself a pass with my lousy life growing up.
I would tell myself that her life was SO much worse, and she deserves my empathy. She was a child of WWII when people drank to forget the harshness of life. Police had no power to arrest her step-father on the property as he beat his wife, even when she was taken to the hospital, inches from death. I don’t know the full story, but back in the ‘good old days, most lives were not as portrayed on TV’s ‘Leave it to Beaver.’
Real-life is messy and complicated.
What is challenging or impossible for one is a breeze for another. We may seem the same when we are born. We have all 10 fingers and toes, coo, giggle and smile when our parents look down at us; however, we are all born with different lessons to learn in this journey of life.
I tried for many years to expand and bring happiness to Mom’s life. When she was calm and smiling, I could relax and enjoy the moment. I tried so hard to be good, do good, ANYTHING not to wake up her frustrations that emerged as anger and rage. It was a moving target trying to live up to expectations that constantly changed. Being perfect is an impossible assignment, especially for a child.
I would constantly ask myself:
“Why can’t I just be pretty and good like the other girls, why do I make mom so mad?”
Focusing outward means not having to delve into the inner ugliness.
She was and is a loving, caring woman who always offers help to others. That’s what made it so confusing for me when I was young. Now, I understand her better than she understands herself.
- She hugged and kissed me a lot.
- She told me she loved me.
- She made sure I had everything I needed.
- She comforted me when I was sick.
- She loved me fiercely.
Mom gave love but had a hard time receiving love
My dad was quiet, sweet, and understanding. They seemed like such opposites; however, many years later, I saw just how much my mom and dad helped one another throughout their journey. She was the social one and helped him open up. Dad helped calm Mom through her anxiety. When she pushed him away, he knew it wasn’t because she didn’t love him.
I learned not to judge relationships, even when things seem lopsided, we never know the true dynamic—challenges and adversity equal gifts in the form of lessons.
Unexpected benefits of healing: It neutralizes energy. It is FREEDOM
Even as my mom’s life spiraled downward with her desperately holding on for dear life, she could never seek help. In her mind, that would mean showing vulnerability and weakness.
At nearly 90 years old, Mom is still fearful, and insecure. I see it now for what it is and deal with her negative energy with my own neutral energy. All the work I have done means nothing she does triggers me anymore. It’s a beautiful thing.
Saving Myself
My need to move forward is so strong. I have no choice but to confront and work through whatever resistance comes up. I have discovered more about the core of who I am in the past few years, which explains SO much. It is why I always sought out help to become the best version of myself.
- I am an Empath. I feel DEEPLY and have learned to release physical and emotional discomforts that I take on from others.
- I am a Master #11 (double!). I have been on and continue a lifelong journey to inspire myself and others to dissolve limiting beliefs.
- I am a ONE Enneagram. I have a ‘sense of mission,’ believing in Integrity, Wisdom & Goodness.
I am ready to stop being a student and begin in earnest as a healer and teacher. I am sharing a bit of my crazy journey to wholeness and healing, despite and indeed because of the challenges that surrounded me. From seeking to sharing, from clinging to letting go of resistance.
Learning to stand up for me and set healthy boundaries has been paramount in confronting the fire-breathing dragon through all of my healing work. The surrender work has also allowed me to let go of expectations and outcomes I have no control over.
One person CAN make a profound difference and actually change the course of their life. I never tried to change anyone else, but I am grateful and proud of the ripple effect my healing has done on those close to me — that is another story.
I have no control over anyone or anything outside of me. I control only myself — how I react and respond to what happens in my life. This lesson is a gift I will forever hold dear and spread for others to hear and hopefully learn if or when the time is right.
“Be the change you wish to see in the world.” — Mahatma Ghandi
I am the change.
Join Medium to read more of my stories or even to write your own.
