#SaturdaySeven Vol. 14- NFL Preview: Fantasy Football Don’ts
Each Saturday we break down the top seven of something, based completely on subjective, opinionated criteria.

In a previous life — OK, like four years ago — I tended bar at a very successful multilevel sports lounge/club venue in Washington, D.C. with my buddy, Tommy. One day we had a buyout on one of the floors for a video game watch party. That’s right: there were a 100+ people partying, boozing and conversing while watching a bunch of “e-athletes” play video games in a tournament far away. Tommy and I, after our afternoon employee shot and cocktail(s) ritual, made low-hanging fruit “nerd” jokes at their expense and laughed heartily. Then we began discussing our fantasy football teams. We espoused predictions and dilemmas in extensive detail for hours until I noticed: “damn, are we nerds, too?”
You see, fantasy football, at its core, is Dungeons and Dragons. Deciding the best lineups to play against your opponent while balancing the attributes of each character…er, player. Each decision you make throughout the course of a season, from the draft or auction, to the waiver wire, to setting your playoff lineup, has massive consequences and outcomes. This is serious business and that always requires some “nerds.”
When five is not enough and ten is too many, I present the fourteenth weekly installment of #SaturdaySeven. This is less a “ranking” than just a list of handpicked favorites, but #7 will always be considered the “top.” The lists will frequently be somewhat random and niche. You can find last week’s list here. Up next: Top Fantasy Football Don’ts.

- JUST missed: DON’T play in a league with your boss (take it from me: they will not find your message board zingers nearly as funny as you do; don’t lose vacation time over fantasy), DON’T play for free (unless you’re a novice, there is never a reason to play without stakes, the only outcomes are you being upset there’s no money involved, or you stop paying attention by week five) and DON’T renege on trades (be a woman or man of your word: if a deal is agreed to via text or email, that is in perpetuity).

- DON’T draft or select a player from your favorite team. It’s tempting, I know, but you must resist. Whenever that player makes a mistake, it’s magnified double. When your favorite team scores, but your fantasy player was not the beneficiary, you will become bitter. It’s all bad.

2. DON’T take a backup quarterback. The most-stacked position in fantasy football is quarterback. Even in a bad week, the scrubbiest of scrubs can “down by four touchdowns, cherry pick vs. prevent defenses” their way to a 20-point week. Don’t waste valuable bench space on a guy you will probably only use once or twice. Work the waiver wire instead.

3. DON’T select a kicker until last. And I mean dead last. Last round, last pick of your draft or $1 last selection in your auction. The difference between the number one ranked kicker and the number 12 ranked kicker is usually around two points a week. You can more than make up for that with taking long shots on RBs and WRs in the late rounds.

4. DON’T name your team something terrible. Be funny. Be punny. Be creative. Be fun. Be boring. Just don’t be dumb.

5. DON’T be late. This applies to draft/auction day, setting your lineup, putting in waiver wire bids and most especially to paying league dues. Don’t be “that guy.”

6. DON’T be shady. This is a big one. Fantasy football can never have its sanctity undermined by under-the-table trades, tanking or any other nefarious acts. Be on the up and up, the fantasy gods will thank you.

*SEVEN* DON’T talk to anyone outside of your league about your league. I promise you: they do not care. Everyone has injuries. Everyone has bye week issues. Everyone has bad matchups. Everyone wanted that guy off waivers, too. Nerdy blabbering about fantasy may be the world to you, but to the world, you are a nerd blabbering about fantasy. Don’t fret, I’ll be right there, nerding with you. The teams may be fantasy, but the booze and trash talk are very real.
