What The Heck?
Heckling at a sporting event is an artistic expression, as long as you stay within the lines
My 13th birthday was a landmark moment of childhood. After constant nagging and begging placed at the feet of my overworked parents, I received my very own driveway basketball hoop. The early 90’s were fertile grounds for a young, brash loudmouth like myself. White Men Can’t Jump had hit cable TV and I took pride in learning from the Book of Sidney Dean on nearly a daily basis. What struck me the most, aside for discovering that I had an innate talent at annoying my driveway opponents, was that I could also affect the outcome of contests, based partly on the barbs and insults I let fly.
Trash-talk, at its core, is about gaining an edge. When you lack the game to back up your mouth, such as myself, it can be the strongest weapon in the arsenal. The wonderful/maddening thing about competition is that it can be decided by the smallest of margins or most incidental of sequences. Everyone remembers the last-second shot, the fourth and long play, the bottom of the ninth inning, but few remember the deflection in the first half, the dropped pass or the pop out in the fourth inning. Games are won and lost in these moments, even when the post-game narrative dismisses their existence.
I’m often maligned by my friends as a “nerd” who cares more about the metrics of sports than the human aspect. “They’re not robots!” is a popular refrain, particularly when dissecting whether an athlete possesses the ever-elusive “clutch gene.” And while I certainly believe the numbers tell an unbiased part of a game’s story, there’s no denying Homo sapiens still compete in these contests. These men and women have feelings, egos, pride, insecurities, you know all the things everyone else has. They also have ears. Ears that can tune out or ears that can pick up.
Heckling is an art form. It is completely subjective and unquantifiable in its greatness (or uselessness). And I love it. I am an unapologetic, boisterous, self-UNaware, delusional, ear-shrieking, heckler. I consider myself an artist. The paintbrush? An ability to be heard by competitors on a field from long distances. The canvas? Typically Major League Baseball stadiums, but there’s no problem lending artistry to other leagues and sports. With the constant lulls in action, dull roars in between pitches and overall low-key nature, baseball is the best sport to be artistic. Hockey is too fast and too loud. Very difficult to let Sidney Crosby know that Canadian bacon is overrated while he skates by at a million miles per hour. Basketball is a legit canvas, but only for those with Spike Lee seats. Also, your voice has to duel with the in-arena DJ playing Migos between every possession. Football stadiums are far too crowded, expansive and removed from the players’ earshot. Soccer? An excellent canvas, but harder for one-on-one interaction. Baseball is just right.
Heckling is not without rules, however. A certain amount of pragmatism and discretion is necessary for maximum effectiveness and appreciation. Follow these guidelines closely while practicing your own personal art form.
VOLUME- Simply put, you’re going to need to be loud. If your voice is not booming, there are a few options. You can sit closer, but that usually incurs a greater cost. Bringing your loudest friend and lubing them up with a few adult beverages is certainly a valid choice as well. But, the rudimentary cupping of hands around your mouth (pictured below) is still the most-effective impromptu bullhorn, in my opinion.
DO YOUR HOMEWORK- One of the greatest assets a heckler can possess is something we all have already: a smart phone. Figure out where you’re going to be sitting in relation to the field and research the opposing team’s playing in that position. If you’re within earshot of home plate? Jackpot. The whole opposing team is at your disposal (and the managers and base coaches!) If your funds cannot accommodate that location, do not be discouraged.
Sitting in right field at Nationals Park for a game against the Marlins? “Giancarlo Stanton controversy” should be in your browser history. You’re a bleacher bum in Yankee Stadium for a tilt versus the Red Sox? “Mookie Betts real name” should be populated in your google. Find out where they went to high school, college, the city they’re from, people who are more famous or richer than they are from that city. Find out who they’ve dated, who they’ve been rumored to date, who their more-popular teammates have dated and why they can’t step their game up to that level. Find out their middle name, obscure nicknames, embarrassing moments. Be thorough and dig deep. Sleuthing and preparation goes very far in this game. HOWEVER…
THERE’S A LINE. DO NOT CROSS IT- If you get TOO personal, you will lose. Anything family-related, kids, relatives that have passed away, politics, religion. Those are stay-aways. Not only is it bad form, but you will almost certainly catch the ears of security and no matter how loud your voice can go, it’s very difficult to heckle from the parking lot. Additionally, monitor your alcohol consumption. Telling Bartolo Colon that he looks like he ate Bartolo Colon can be useful, but not if you are slurring and spilling. (Note: if it’s a “win or go home” playoff game and your team is down big, no holds are barred. Go out in a blaze of glory).
DO NOT CURSE- Another sure-fire way to be abruptly dismissed while performing your art is to curse. While George Carlin let us know the seven words you cannot use on TV, there are a few additional ones you’ll want to leave out of the ballpark. Paying for a ticket certainly allows you the opportunity to voice your research, but do not sully it by dropping f-bombs in front of kids in your section.
BE CREATIVE- The WORST thing to see at a game is The Wave (it must be stopped). The worst thing to hear? “YOU SUCK.” These dudes are paid millions upon millions to play a sport. There are varying levels of talent for sure, but they unequivocally do not “suck.” Use your research and really dig in with a verbal jab that will cut to their core. Matt Kemp, outfielder for the Atlanta Braves, has made north of a $100M in his career. Telling him he sucks? Not funny or effective. Singing Rihanna songs to him, a woman that he has dated on/off again for years? Kinda funny. And more likely to produce a moment like this:
HAVE FUN- You’re going to get blow back. Especially if you perform your art at a road game. Some people take their sporting events VERY seriously and will not be very receptive to a loud artistic contribution. Do not be deterred. It is simply a game, after all. And the more you are smiling and enjoying yourself, the more vitriol from surrounding fans will seem inconsequential. Remember: if these players can take millions of dollars, I promise, they can take a creative and well-timed joke.
BE INCLUSIVE- Use your surrounding section to your advantage. Use chants to your advantage and get the fans around you into the act. There’s strength in numbers and the volume that comes with multiple voices in unison. This is where full arena heckling in the NHL and NBA can be great. Also, pro tip: high-five the security in your section every time you go to and leave your seat. You’ll want them chuckling at your (curse-free) antics and to have your back should any sourpuss complain.
ACHIEVE YOUR MASTERPIECE- The ultimate goal is to garner a reaction from the opposing team, or preferably, a specific player. Something as subtle as a tip of the cap and wry smile from a heckled outfielder or as glorious as an 0–4 at the plate with four strikeouts and dagger stares mixed with mumbled curse, words every time they see you. Acknowledgement is the masterpiece. Uproarious laughter and support from your section is the museum.
Will you always affect the outcome of the game? Will you get into an opposing player’s head during an at-bat? Will your girlfriend or boyfriend put a muzzle on you by the fifth inning? Will your art be appreciated or slandered? There is only one way to find out: head to the ballpark and let your artistic freedom ring.
