The Language of Love
When did it become acceptable to casually ask a total stranger if they like to be spanked? Or to tell someone smack in the middle of the day that what they are saying is making you horny? The answer is, it hasn’t. That is, EXCEPT in the world of online dating. Pretty much anything goes once you start swiping. Even if I wanted to, I could not make up half of the messages that I have received. I probably shouldn’t be surprised given that I am posting pictures of myself publicly for the opposite sex to scrutinize and decide whether I look good enough or sound sufficiently interesting enough to warrant a “like”.
Pictures are the cornerstone of online dating and picking which photos to use for a profile is no easy task. (And now that my profiles seem to have gotten stale I’m dreading having to find new ones to upgrade with). It’s a delicate balance between looking cute and sexy but not too sexy. Sure, everyone wants to show off their best traits but you don’t want to disappoint once you meet in person. That is an instant deal breaker. “We chatted online and then we met and she looked nothing like her pictures,” is a common complaint. I think it’s always best to surprise the guy with your looks rather than the other way around. In my demographic, you can all but count on the following pictures on a guy’s profile: a shot doing something active like boating or surfing, some sort of selfie, either in the bathroom or otherwise, and a token photo with a niece or a nephew illustrating that even though he does not have kids, he likes them.
Next is the profile part. Depending on which site you are using, there are several different formats. Some sites ask prompting questions to get your mind churning: Are you an early bird? Do you drink? What is your salary? What is your height and weight? How would your friends describe you? As if putting up photos of yourself isn’t enough, you have to write a commercial to sell yourself and it is downright awkward. Touting your wittiness, charm and good looks can go from confident to cocky petty quickly. Some sites, mainly the phone-based apps, do not really require a profile but people still tend to jot down a few words and if you are a male you will definitely mention your height. Since I am a height-ist after all, this helps me weed out a lot of guys right off the bat. You will also mention that you love travelling (every online dater does), have a stable career and that you spend every moment trying to better yourself on the inside and out.
“Me: calm, confident and sapiosexual.” This is another common trait among 40-something males. They all seem to be sapiosexual, meaning that they are sexually attracted to intelligence above all else. I can see many men finding a smart woman attractive but it’s the “above all else” that raises some questions for me, especially when in the next breathe they write, “you must be able to pull off jeans and sneakers or a dress with heels.” Not quite sure what that has to do with intelligence. The standard communication gap between men and women is even more pronounced online. Since men would love to see pictures of a girl in a bathing suit or flaunting her figure in some way or another, they think that means that we want to see pictures of them playing beach volleyball shirtless or wearing a muscle tee and working out at the gym. That could not be further from the truth. As soon as I see six-pack abs (though undoubtedly nice to look at) I swipe left. I do not want to date a guy who puts that much time into his looks nor who has better abs than I do. Bathroom selfies (topless or fully clothed), overly-muscular arms, and pretty boys all get an immediate no.
To make this even more awkward, it is part of the everyday vernacular of online dating to ask someone what they are hoping to get out of the site. I have become quite adept at this particular line of questioning, because I am decidedly not looking for a hookup and hope to find someone I connect with and live happily ever after. So one of my questions out of the gate is what are you looking for? Apparently, people aren’t shy or subtle when it comes to answering that question. “Seeking a freaky crazy adventurous & curious lady to have fun with … So while you’re waiting for love to come knock on your door, come have some fun and be a naughty little whore.” Gross!
I have politely declined threesomes, guys who are just passing through town for a week and anyone who wants to “make new friends.” I have even had to pass on some offers for LTRs (Long-Term Relationships for those of us in the know). “I really liked your profile and I am looking for an LTR. I am in an open marriage but that’s beside the point,” a guy once wrote me on OK Cupid. Thanks but no thanks. Even though I am pretty open-minded when it comes to people’s personal sexual preferences I have had to make it clear that I am not attracted to bisexual men and would not be able to participate in any sort of polyamory (“The practice, state or ability of having more than one sexual loving relationship at the same time, with the full knowledge and consent of all partners involved,” as defined by the Urban Dictionary.) This practice is much more common than I had ever realized. It is not hard to find someone online who considers themselves poly.
If you don’t know what all the words mean in someone’s profile, do not get in touch with them until you find out. Deciphering the acronyms and slang used in the cyber dating sphere is a huge part of the process. A guy might add one tiny phrase at the end of his profile that seems harmless. “Raised in Europe, adventure worn, and well-travelled. Witty, smart, financially stable and still believe in chivalry. I’m a unicorn.” A Unicorn? How are unicorns applicable to anyone aside from girls between the ages of 6 and 10? There are two ways that unicorns are relevant in online dating. More commonly, it is a term men use to describe themselves that implies that they are such a good catch that finding them is as likely as finding a unicorn. Buyer beware! Unicorn as defined in the Urban Dictionary has a totally different meaning. A unicorn is a “bisexual person who is willing to join an existing couple, often with the presumption that this person will date and become sexually involved with both members of that couple, and not demand anything or do anything which might cause problems or inconvenience to that couple.” Swipe left.
I am definitely not looking for a unicorn. How about just a nice-looking, smart and normal guy that is looking for a relationship? That should not be too much to ask for but it seems that is the exception not the rule in this online dating game. I still believe there are princes out there but I have learned the hard way that before I find mine I am going to have to kiss a lot of toads.
