A Rain Dance, Blood Diamonds and an Erection.
Seduced by intelegence and a GSOH I dedicated three weeks to flirting with J, a 30 something asset manager from london, until one night his erection got in the way and I snapped.
Where we met: Tinder
Name: J
Particulars: 30, London
Best DP: All boring selfies with no interesting background.
His Bio: BLANK
If there is one thing I am looking for its smart, so J was off to a good start. He got my humour and he reciprocated, satisfyingly, even if he does have a morally ambiguous career! ;)
J
Hi xxx how are you?
Good weekend?
Me
I’m good
Worked a lot this weekend but it was still great.
J
Oh yeah? What do you do?
Me
I work for an INGO
J
I’ve just finished work! I’m off to glasto!
Are you into music festivals?
Me
Oh wow
I have been to Leeds a few times; I would love to go to Glastonbury though!
What is work for you?
J
Asset management, in the city
Me
Does that mean that tax dodging is a legitimate part of your day?
J
LOL. All day every day
Me
Oh no J, I fear our core values may differ somewhat
J
But we mainly do pension funds
So looking after your future
Me
By which you mean investing in fossil fuels, blood diamonds and arms?
I spend a large part of my working life campaigning about tax practices and climate change…
I’m sure you’re still a nice person though!
J
Absolutely!
We need good people like you to fight the good fight…
So how does flirting with me on tinder constitute saving the world?
Me
You are currently distracting me from a very important conversation about the situation in Malawi. Shhhhhh!
J
What has happened in Malawi?
Me
There’s a famine
Not as sexy as an earthquake because of slow onset so the news doesn’t tend to report it.
J
Damn those sexy earthquakes, stealing all the limelight
Me
Shocking I know!
J
Is there anything you can do about the flooding at Glastonbury?
Me
Well, I have already made sure that my pension is ethically invested and I don’t drive so I am doing my bit for climate change.
But I guess you are looking for a more immediate solution?
J
Yes please, Maybe an anti rain dance?
Me
I can do an anti rain dance… the price will be a spare Glasto ticket!
J
HaHa, you should be so lucky.
And so the back and forth continued, it was stimulating and interesting quick and witty. There were a few hairy moments when I wondered how accustom J was to speaking to a female he considered an equal. But we swapped numbers and continued to talk. We spoke on the phone a few times. During a week of sickness he checked in with me regularly, we had started to talk about meeting up for a first date. We pick up the conversation towards the end of my week of illness, I had been binge watching Grace and Frankie on Netflix and had fallen in love with a character called Jacob… he’s tall and strapping, an organic yam farmer who’s in touch with his feelings. J had noticed my new affection from a series of snaps on my snapchat story.
J
What were you watching this afternoon? It made me smile whilst I was at work
Me
What? Jacob? He’s my new boyfriend, I love him!
J
Was it a film?
You fell hard for that guy huh?!
Me
Yup, we are going to elope
J
Oh no! So no hope for me then?
Me
Are you 6’4, muscley and an organic farmer? Do you know your way in and around an emotion? Can you cook a mean tagine?
J
No
Yes
No
Yes
And my lamb tagine has been described as God speaking to us through food!
Me
Half marks J, its not looking great!
J
Not my fault I’m short. But I have a massive heart to make up for it
And a massive cock.
Sorry that was supposed to say cook*
Me
Of course you did, because ‘massive cook’ makes lots of sense. I’m not sure how I feel about that… it’s not the way too my heart.
J
But why settle for a fantasy when you can have the real thing?
Me
I will not be settling for anything, at this point single life is a real option! And we have just discovered you’re only 50% of the real thing! Sorry that was mean but I couldn’t help myself!
J
That was a low blow!
Yes people have lots of options, you just need to make the right one. I would treat you like a queen and ensure your every need was met. That guy can keep his organic farm I would buy you your own organic farm.
Me
That’s a big promise to make to someone you haven’t been on a first date with!
But wait I take that back… where is the farm going to be, can we have that written up in a contract before I make any promises?
J
It will be in Zimbabwe, although it might get seized off you on day one!
Me
Yeah! I’m sure there is a pretty bad president about white farmers in Zimbabwe
J
Hahaha
What are you wearing?
Me
Wellington boots, a fisherman’s jumper, baggy trousers with a hole in the knee and rollers in my hair.
J
OMG that’s so hot
K
Yes it’s not really the weather for a fisherman’s jumper is it?
J
Tell me more about the fisherman’s jumper and how big is the hole in your trousers?
K
The fisherman’s jumper is fictional, it is a way of deflecting from your attempt to try and make this conversation sexual
J
Busted
All I will say is: you bring it out in me
K
Nope, no I don’t, that is incorrect.
J
I don’t mean to be rude or anything…. But why have I had an erection for the last 40mins?
K
Ok, that’s the end of this conversation, night night J
J
Don’t run away!
Some time passes
Before you go, you asked me something a few days a go and I would like to ask the same to you
some more times passes
I know you’re there Kate, please answer the question.
Me
You haven’t asked a question.
J
Oh assertive, I like that in a girl, such a turn on.
Me
Night night J
some time passes
J
I still want to talk though, don’t go to bed.
I haven’t spoken to J since. For me the frustrating thing is how easy everything is now. I liked J, he is smart and funny and we got on. But if you are saying to some one I want a relationship not a one night stand then there has to be some rules. There is excitement in the unknown…. Endless possibilities that exist until the moment you open the box and discover what Schrödinger’s cat’s junk looks like, I don’t want a ‘dic pic’ before I’ve even met you, to have phone sex, to be unable to say anything without you finding the innuendo. Things that are fast and easy and instant aren’t things you’ll fight for. I want to be something you would fight for.
Final advice for J: approach dating like work… know where you want to get to, identify the behaviours and enablers, be consistent, communicate with your team. And most importantly, when it becomes clear that someone doesn’t want to have phone sex with you, stop trying!
