Silence. How comfortable are you with it?
I remember being a child and being terrified of death. I would close my eyes and try to imagine nothingness. To imagine the absence of everything I knew.
When my mind would tumble down this rabbit hole, a state of fear, worry and anxiety would come over me.
My friends, my video games, my family…how could all of this cease to exist? This is all real stuff right!? MY STUFF!!?
I’m the youngest of three males, all 4 years apart. Our parents met late in their lives after both having gone through failed marriages. They hit it off instantly and started a family…
Me and my brother Sean (middle child) developed a close relationship in our young adult years. I remember one particular night very vividly:
We sat on the coffee table of our living room and confessed our fears of death. Specifically of our parents dying. They were in their mid 60s at this point and that’s when we became close. Our anxieties connected us that day and strengthed our bond as brothers.
I always looked up to my big brother Sean. Even when he was giving me a well deserved ass kicking for running my mouth and teasing him about his weight…. In middle school he weighed almost 300 pounds…which he dropped after high school. I was so proud of him and he motivated me to start building muscle as well.
Why do we run from it? Why can’t we face the void with excitement? Why do we distract ourselves with food, internet, social media etc. ?
With my writing I am attempting to befriend silence. It’s going to demand the best of my emotional energy but that’s we are here for.
To experience more life, within life.
Talk soon, I love you.