When I Am Elected President of Vacation Rentals

My friends, a new day is dawning on this nation’s vacation rentals, a day in which no forty-year old lighthouse puzzle is missing any pieces.

(applause)

But let’s not get ahead of ourselves, this campaign is not just about electing a president of vacation rentals who supports a nationwide ban on padded toilet seats. This is a vacation revolution.

(cheers and whistles)

It is about dealing with some unpleasant truths that exist in American vacation rentals today and having the guts to confront those truths.

I believe this country, the wealthiest country in the history of the world, should not have more kitchens with ceramic cooktops than any other country on earth. I don’t like them. You don’t like them. They’re wrong.

(man yells, “gas flame is more evenly distributed!”)

And are you also sick of that dull knife that just squashes your unripe vacation-town tomato when you try to cut it? WELL SO. AM. I.

(woman in the crowd seen mouthing the words “makes me so mad”)

Let me ask you something. Are you all adults?

(YES)

Then why are you spending the first 30 minutes of your vacation awkwardly negotiating who gets the bunk bed chastity chamber? Enough. Every room that can fit a king sized bed will have a king sized bed.

(standing ovation)

Now, some establishment vacation rental owners would say they can’t afford that. These are the same owners who have you pay a cleaning fee AND ask you to basically clean the whole house before you leave. Is that fair?

(hearty boos)

No it’s not, and that’s why I’m going to reduce your departure burden by eliminating the Start A Load Of Towels and Run The Dishwasher mandates my first year in office.

(murmurs of concern ripple through the crowd about the cost of this)

Now now, I’ve made a pledge and you can hold me to it: I will not raise your cleaning fees.

And I can do that because I’m going to follow the money, people. Why are we spending so much on signs pointing you in the obvious direction of the beach or demanding that you “Live Laugh Love” when we should be investing things that improve YOUR vacation, things like full propane tanks and firewood boxes!

(crowd is ravenous, deafening)

OH AND HOW ABOUT A LIGHTER SO YOU NEVER AGAIN HAVE TO RUN THROUGH THE HOUSE WITH A FLAMING CONE OF NEWSPAPER TO LIGHT THAT GRILL OR FIREPLACE?

(some in the crowd appear to have fainted with ecstasy)

Are you fired up? Are you ready to go? Ready to remind the world once more just why it is that the United States of America has the greatest vacation rentals on earth?

(YES WE ARE)

Thank you, God bless you, God bless the vacation rentals of the United States of America.

(walks off stage to “Vacation” by the Go Gos)

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