the resolution

I sat upon the toilet, the most majestic of thrones for many of us, worthy of even a king to die upon. A stabbing and burning pain in the middle of my back, my breathing erratic and forced as I concentrate on what is going on around me. The entire room is spinning, my hearing is muffled other than the sound of my heart pounding in my chest. Ive grabbed onto the faucet in an attempt to prevent myself from crashing upon the floor. I sat there for what seemed like minutes as I watched the room around me collapse upon me and a weight lay on my shoulders like someone is trying to push me into the ground. My eyes dart around looking for the next symptom that will emerge. Is my chest hurting? Yes. Is it hard to breathe? Yes. Am I dying? don’t know.

A minute has elapsed. The spinning has slowed and the sound of the world around me begins to return. I have no idea what has just happened but as I try to stand, it is certainly not quite over with yet. I hear a knock at the door and the voice of my wife asking if I am ok. Apparently I had already spent an extraordinary amount of time in the bathroom. I silently replied “no” and asked her to come in. I explained the situation to her and, being a counselor, she began trying to calm me down and assess the situation. She suggested I take a shower which I did, but not because it might help me feel better as she suggested, I wanted to be clean for what I expected would be my last few hours. I was bathing for the medical team that would soon be going over my vitals and drawing a pint of blood from me while they searched for possible issues.

It is a thirty minute drive to the local emergency room. I thought a great deal about what lay in store for me. If this would be the night I experience surgery and the end of my life. I hadn’t even kissed or hugged my 6 year old. He will never understand what happened… How? Why? There was no talking in the van, my wife driving in silence thinking this is another wasted trip to the ER due to her husbands anxiety attacks. I should mention that I have suffered from them for some time. Ive made more than my share of trips to one hospital or another in the middle of the night. Since being diagnosed as diabetic a few weeks ago they have returned and occur almost daily. But this event was different. This wasn’t the panic ridden fear that I typically have when I go into fight or flight mode and my body burns and tingles as lactic acid flows through my system. This event was accompanied by a strange calm feeling. As if this will soon end and it will be ok. I have a paramedic friend who one told me that I don’t need to worry about things if I am afraid, it is when I am not afraid that I need to be concerned. That thought repeated in my head as I sit in the van watching the lights of the city go by.

If you walk into a clinic at 8:30pm and mention that you have had chest pain and breathing issues accompanied by dizziness. You typically get a free pass to be seen right away. You will be taken to a room where someone quite like you has probably lost their battle at some point. They staff moves quickly to prepare you for the coming exam. This is when you feel a sense of awe at the level of professionalism these people possess. I am placed upon a very uncomfortable bed where I am still experiencing symptoms of this attack, or rather “event”. The beds making my back pain worse and is elevating my blood pressure. All this time my wife sat in a chair, and looked on. Sometimes with concern upon her face and as time went by that was replaced by annoyance and anger as she grew tired. Possibly as physically tired as she was of me laying there preventing her from getting the sleep she deserved. She wanted to leave, but stayed, probably out of pity for me.

I received an EKG the moment I sat down on the bed.

Baby Aspirin

Something for my blood pressure.

Something to help me relax on top of the 2mg of xanax I had taken at home.

A beta blocker to lower my heart rate. They expected it to drop on its own but it didn’t.

A scan of my chest to rule out aneurysms.

And then because I am 43 years old, morbidly obese and have diabetes, they chose to keep me over night for observation. I didn’t sleep well, but as the cocktail they gave me worked into my system I began to relax and felt better. I had a window and a clear sky, I lay in bed looking at Jupiter and when dawn came watched the sunrise that I didn’t expect to see again.

I was taken to another floor where I received an ECG which involves cramming hard plastic devices between your ribs in an attempt to get images of your heart. Due to my obesity this is difficult for the aged, small woman who is working on me. And then I was given a stress test. This is where you are placed on a treadmill. Its starts slow and then suddenly they put it at a 30 degree angle and 3 miles per hour. I didn’t experience any pain in my chest or back. I lasted all of 5:20 on that machine before my legs locked up and I asked them to stop it.

The results of my tests? They couldn’t find any issues with my heart. I had one nurse tell me they thought it was my gall bladder. Based upon my elevated white cell count, maybe it was a little sick or it passed a stone. I have spent the last few days, trying to figure out what happened. Trying to get the situation right in my head. Did I feel tingling before the dizziness? What had I eaten? I see a doctor in a few days to go over this event again. What do I tell him and how do I try to figure out what happened to me?

My wife is still convinced it was a panic attack. And I feel her roll her eyes and sense her disinterest in the conversation as I try to explain otherwise. I have become a burden, with no substance and without a job Im not even a provider. I am of no use what so ever. I sit in my world of bullshit conjuring up ideas to change my life and come out of this an improved man. I feel like a failure, a liar, an abuser. I find myself questioning whether I hadn’t been hoping for the end that night.