I think your script is developing nicely Lily. You may want to take another pass at it to see if there is any way to streamline sections. Can you make your points in fewer words?
Also watch your sequence of points. You start with the windows, move on to efficiency, and loop back around to the windows. This can work but you need to make sure that the transitions are clear and not just confusing.
Lastly, the message ends rather abruptly without a call to action. How can you encourage them to get an audit and end the piece on a snappy note?