Practical Methods For Removing All Confederate Statues Now

Literally any method will do

  • Attach kiddie pools filled with acid to helicopters, then fly the helicopters over the statues and dump the acid onto them
  • Give kids the day off school to thwack their local statues will ball peen hammers
  • Dynamite
  • Take out the swords from the statues’ hands and replace them with grenades so the statues can blow up their own legacies literally, just as their actions fighting against the United States of America did metaphorically
  • Have every MLB team line up to hit dingers into the statues until the monuments are all lumpy and unrecognizable
  • Hire a coven of modern wiccans to put curses on all the statues. If the curses don’t work within 24 hours, knock the statues down with bulldozers.
  • Hire local, black-owned construction firms to remove the statues
  • Invent some sort of “lightning machine” to zap the monuments with lightning over and over until they melt
  • Put a leather jacket and sunglasses on every statue–instantly, the South is dotted with monuments to The Fonz
  • Set up county fairs where families can take turns throwing diamond-tipped chainsaws at the statues
  • Cover the monuments with honey and small mammals, then release hundreds of screeching birds of prey who will consume the statues
  • Dig tunnels underneath the statues so that the earth may swallow them
  • Acid plus dynamite at the same time
  • Launch a satellite with an ultra-powerful magnet on board to suck the statues into space
  • Retrofit the insides of the statues with intricate, movement-granting motors that allow the statues to simulate slitting their own throats over and over again for all eternity
  • Coordinate non-violent, civil actions during which diverse groups of protestors pull down the monuments, then dare local legislators to re-install the monuments to treason and slavery
  • Acid plus dynamite plus the baseball players hitting home runs all at the same time. Maybe throw in a fireworks show, too. Nothing’s more American than that.