Recapping “The Profit,” Season 4 Episode 0
In which I have not yet begun to watch The Profit Season 4.
Two things:
- The Profit is a fantastic reality show.
- “The Profit” is a fucking terrible name for a reality show.
The sheer brute nonsense of the name “The Profit” is staggering. Literally — thinking about it for any amount of time will cause you to fall over. It’s SO close to being a pun, it’s painful.
INT. CNBC BOARDROOM
HEAD TV EXECUTIVE
So… “The Profit.” That’s a pun, right? Because business?
TEN OTHER TV EXECUTIVES
[SLOW, NONCOMMITTAL MURMURING]
HEAD TV EXECUTIVE
I thought so! Have our graphics department put the host on a throne made out money.
If you’re unfamiliar with the program, The Profit is a CNBC show in which a rich entrepreneur, Marcus Lemonis, visits small businesses and revitalizes them using a combination of money, acumen, and sternness. Unlike many of these shows, in which the host’s main qualification is an exceptionally maniacal screaming voice, Marcus actually seems like a good dude with a vision of how to turn struggling businesses less-struggling.
And that vision is key–you might say Marcus is like a prophet when it comes to matters of business. And you might say that his business prophecies help turn…a profit.
BUT PROPHET/PROFIT IS SIMPLY A HOMOPHONE. A HOMOPHONE IS NOT A PUN.
They might as well have called the show The Urn Man because he “earns” money and will one day be cremated.
Maybe I’m complaining about nothing, thinks you. But you are wrong. Maybe the “profit” refers solely to the profit made by the featured businesses, you continue to think. Wrong again, you piece of shit!
BECAUSE EVERY EPISODE ENDS BEFORE THE POTENTIALLY TITULAR PROFIT CAN EVER BE MADE.
Episodes of The Profit end after Marcus has put a new plan into place, before we see if it works.
It’s like making a teen movie called Boob Sighting On Hottie Beach that features zero boob sightings but ends with a VO over credits, “And using the skills we learned that summer, we eventually saw boobs.”
Despite these numerous title-relateded shortcomings, I encourage you to watch The Profit. Please check back in the future after I have started to watch the current season of The Profit using a Time Warner login I’m borrowing from my parents.