So, I guess I’m the sex lady…
As a Pure Romance consultant, I shared the following exchange with a guest immediately upon arriving at a party.
Guest: Oh, are you the sex lady?
Me: I’m the Pure Romance consultant, yes.
Guest: Oh, it’s so cute that you call it that.
Me: I own my own small business, so it’s my job title.
Just FYI: Pure Romance consultants purchase all their own inventory and are considered sole proprietors. We don’t really “work” for Pure Romance: we work for ourselves. However, the company supports us, provides educational opportunities, and various other support. But this post isn’t really about the lack of respect I’ve encountered over the years working as a sex educator with Pure Romance. I just wanted you to understand what it is that I do, as this guest clearly did not.
If you want to think of me as “the sex lady” that’s fine by me but I’d like you to know that I take this job seriously. I deeply care about what I do and learning all that I can to be the best consultant I can be.
Consultants plan parties with hostesses (in my case women, as Pure Romance is exclusively for women), who then get a percentage of the party sales as an incentive to book a party, along with a hostess gift of their choosing.
My parties focus heavily on education including anatomy, pleasure based techniques, basic toy care, and a primer on safe BDSM practice, among other topics. I strive to make my parties my own by injecting them with my own broad knowledge base and by striving to be as gender neutral as possible when I teach. Additionally, I vary each party based on the needs of my audience and I plan each party with the hostess, so I get a sense of what I should focus on and what approach will be most affective. Each party teaches me something new about sex, intimacy, and always something about women’s experiences.
I’ve listened to women who are self-conscious about their bodies and worry that it keeps them from really enjoying sex. I’ve consulted with women who are re-learning their bodies after cancer. I have met wild burlesque dancers that were bitingly funny and powerfully present. I’ve seen women ENTIRELY uncomfortable at the beginning of my parties but then about 15 minutes in they’re waving around a double-ended dildo and laughing with the best of them. In short, it’s been amazing. But I want to share with you the single most important thing I’ve learned.
Women feel they need permission. And I don’t just mean from men. I mean from other women, from someone. So many women feel they need permission to talk about sex, to try new things, to ask for something they want, and to embrace all the incredible things their bodies were made to do.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been explaining the concept of “intercourse +” (adding clitoral stimulation during intercourse to make orgasm more accessible) and have been met with “I can do that!?” This moment is a REVELATION!
OF COURSE YOU CAN! You can do whatever you want, you can do whatever you need to make it feel good. It’s hard enough in this world to communicate as effectively as we really should to keep our relationships healthy and it’s even harder for women who’ve been socialized to be accomodating. We really have to learn how to ask for what we want and not only that, but to feel deserving.
We must find the courage to walk away from situations and people who will not give us what we want and need. We deserve to be equal to our partners in every way. Pleasure is a birthright.
To be honest, most dudes are not opposed to much. I tell my clients that if a women suggests a sexual activity and there’s a man on the other end of that conversation, it’s pretty rare he’s gonna say no. And if he does, it’s ok to move on. You can create the sexual life you want but you have to be brave.
But here’s the thing, OUR PARTNERS CAN’T READ OUR MINDS. If something is not working for us we have to be able to explain what we do want and how we want it. Despite what our culture has drilled into us, men in particular often don’t know what they are doing, especially when it comes to the clitoris, if it can be found.
Encouraging your partner to learn with you is my best advice for curing all sorts of sexual compatability problems. Read books together, take classes, try new toys, and TALK A LOT. Talk all the time, and be honest, be really really honest, and the bond you form will be so freeing you’ll forget about which sexual positions hide your stomach and just focus on the ones that give you pleasure.
I understand that what I’m talking about doing here is not easy. But we have to talk about it like it is, we have to throw ourselves into loving ourselves enough to just start living the way we should. Kind of fake it till you make it I guess?
I often find myself caught in a web of passive-aggression with my partner about what I really want and it’s frustrating for both of us. It’s a journey and you’re gonna stumble. You have to endeavor to be present enough to recognize what you are doing and actively try to change that behavior. I’ve also learned that the key to happiness really is vulnerability. I know, “but what if I get hurt?” Well, then you’ve learned something and I guarantee time will heal it and you’ll move on to build something better for yourself. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable creates all sorts of opportunities to learn and to finally realize we are not alone.
You’ll never know what you are capable of until you try. Feel free to contact me with questions and inquiries of any kind. AND If you want to book a party with me you can visit my website for my contact info.
P.S: I’m mostly doing parties for cis-gendered, heterosexual women(that’s just my client base usually), so please excuse me if my language isn’t 100% gender neutral. These specific topics seemed to call for certain wording. My parties are always way LGBTQ friendly.