Op-Ed: I’m the Guy that Keeps Destroying the 14th Floor Executive Suite Bathroom

I work for a fast growing startup in a large building, but I have vowed to absolutely destroy the 14th floor bathroom.

SmallHouse Media is taking the rare step of publishing an anonymous Op-Ed essay. We have done so at the request of the author, a senior account executive at a startup whose identity is known to us and whose job would be jeopardized by its disclosure. We believe publishing this essay anonymously is the only way to deliver an important perspective to our readers.


My company is growing at a fast pace. Not long ago, we had only 10 employees and rented out a dilapidated warehouse to get by. Now we’ve got prime office space in one of the nicest skyscrapers in town.

Business is booming and I’m making well over 6 figures in my mid 20’s. I believe in my company’s mission and plan on staying here for the long run.

However, my CEO (Martin Milen) and VP of sales (Jacob Laurens) have let the prosperity get to their heads. They’ve turned into a couple insufferable jerks. While the rest of us are slaving away, they’re traveling around the country going to “Networking Events” which everyone knows is a steaming load of horseshit. If either of them had to make an actual sales call, they’d be more lost than an Alzheimers patient in a corn field.

That’s why I have vowed to absolutely destroy the 14th floor executive suite bathroom on a daily basis.

Yeah, you read that correctly. They’re so far up their own butts that they had a $500,000 executive suite bathroom installed.

It’s equipped with heated marble floors and one of those full-service Japanese toilets that cleans your bum for you when you’re done. There’s also a flat screen TV with surround sound and a small infinity pool overlooking the city. To say it’s nice is an understatement — this bathroom looks like something Jordan Belfort would design in his heyday.

It’s only accessible with a key card, but luckily I’ve obtained a duplicate by paying one of the contractors $75 and a case of beer.

My mission is simple: unleash the biggest, smelliest turds that linger for hours and ruin their bathroom experience. I believe that this is one of the only ways to keep my CEO’s and VP’s egos from getting completely out of control.

At precisely 5:30 every morning, I wake up and eat 3 spicy breakfast burritos stuffed with chorizo, cheese, onions, spinach, and habanero sauce. Along with my burrito I have 4 eggs cooked in vegetable oil and a large glass of milk. To finish my breakfast and refresh my palette, I eat a half cup of broccoli.

On my way to work, I drink 32 ounces of straight black coffee. This is to increase the potency of my brew and to get me to have to shit.

Admittedly, there’s been more than one occasion where I’ve completely blown out my o-ring en route.

I arrive at work around 7:45, which is about the same time as everybody else, but 2 hours earlier than CEO Dick and VP Douche. Before I go to my office, I sneak over to the executive suite bathroom.

After checking that the coast is clear, I pull out my bootleg access card and slip into the bathroom. I enjoy the view of the city for before sitting on the throne. Once seated, I hold on to the aluminum hand rails on both sides of the throne and deposit what must be one of the most toxic concoctions known to man.

The smell is potent and powerful. So much so that it causes immediate loss of hair. I know this because I took too long to wash my hands one day and my eyebrows disitegrated.

On multiple occasions, Martin and Jacob have had to head home early due to exposure— making everyone else at the company ecstatic.

Over time, I’ve seen the once bright twinkles fade from their eyes and their energy dissipate. Deep down, I know it’s my gut-wrenchingly awful shits.


Making my asshole bosses miserable 5 times a week gives me a feeling of accomplishment and ecstasy I never knew possible.

This is something I truly believe in, and I believe it’s my calling.

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