Immigration: Heaven to introduce Brexit-inspired, point-based system
Senior catholic figures have rallied around God’s plans to tighten up Heaven’s immigration policy.
Amid concerns that Heaven has become a haven for ‘honey-and-wine’ tourism, grapes reportedly in short supply, and the Cherub community claiming to be at near-breaking point, the Pope has welcomed a controversial proposal to end ‘free movement’ into paradise.
‘The Lord wishes to make Heaven, literally, the best place in the universe and open to the very best mankind has to offer. He therefore feels the time is right to tighten up the rules of entry.
‘The old policy of, “confess, and all will be forgiven” is not rigorous enough, and open to abuse.’
A spokesperson for God took a break from his seminars outside Paddington Station, to tell us:
‘We’ve become all-too-aware that many people are just paying lip service to this. Some are plain ‘faking it’. It has to stop; it’s not fair on the genuine afterlife-seekers.’
Insiders tell me, through visions I’ve been having lately, that God is strongly in favour of an Brexit-inspired, points-based system.
‘We welcome the very best into Heaven, but we are a small, island paradise, and therefore we must control the numbers. We’ve looked…
