Holding the space for a survivor of intimate partner violence: Do’s and Don’ts
Approach with caution and maintain confidentiality: Do not address the subject of violence around people and in an environment where the survivor feels unsafe. If a survivor has disclosed any details of the identity of the perpetrator or of the events that have occurred, confidentiality is imperative.
Support them in placing blame where it belongs, remind them that this isn’t their fault. ‘It’s not your fault’ ‘I am sorry this is complicated, but I am here for you’ and the likes can be useful in reducing feelings of isolation.
Go with their pace: Their story isn’t for the listener’s entertainment and they are not obligated to share every detail. Pushing them to overshare might open a can of worms, leaving them exposed, retraumatized and poorly equipped to handle the triggers that could arise.
Help them develop alternatives: Collaborate with them by discussing what boundary setting looks like. Can they get away for an hour on the pretext of running an errand? Can they have few numbers on speed dial? How can they safety remove themselves from the situation when they’re perpetrator is escalating? Don’t throw advice at them. Encourage them to review and strategise what has worked before and can continue to.
Check in with yourself: Providing support to a survivor on IPV can take a toll on your mental health too. It’s okay to check your own boundaries, it’s normal to need some space. It’s also important to have your own support system and self care strategies in place.
Don’t Judge: Don’t punish them for choosing their perpetrator or reiterate ‘I told you so’ repeatedly. This isn’t about you. Be aware of how this is not your first hand experience. Don’t be consistently critical of their relationship. They will shut down.
Don’t Blame: Don’t blame them for their circumstances. It’s ignorant, insensitive and violent. ‘You signed up for this’ or ‘You walked into this’ leads to internalised shame and blame that can be a vicious lesson to unlearn.
Don’t Put Pressure on them to leave the relationship. Gently expressing concern for their safety is one thing, badgering them into leaving the relationship when that this their biggest challenge is violating and controlling.
Don’t provide unsolicited interventions: Don’t provide advice like you know better than them. Don’t cite examples of others where they have ‘been brave’ or ‘given it back’ or ‘refused to stay silent’. You will silence their narrative and dismiss their exploitation and distress by doing this.
Don’t develop a saviour complex. Survivors hold the reigns to their lives and they deserve the space to exercise agency. It’s their life- so their decisions, their healing!
