The Process of Relationship: Conflict

Stefan Bernard
Sep 6, 2018 · 5 min read

Ok, so you’re welcomed into the kingdom, you had this amazing revelation of your identity in Christ (BELONG). You’ve taken the process to heart, ensuring you remind yourself and all you encountor who they are and whose they are (BELIEVE)!!! You’re re-establishing all your current relationships upon this new identity in Christ and learning to live everyday from this place (BEHAVE). The inward culture of HONOR has started determining outward behavior . You even honor people when it “feels” like they don’t deserve it… BUT then… CONFLICT!!!

Despite your best efforts BEing the son or daughter God has called you to be; despite you really practicing honor within and extend it to all; there is now conflict!


Conflict tests the depth this culture of honor goes; it tests this relational ‘glue’ between people.


Most people do not know how to navigate conflict well; we often approach it as a winner/loser scenario. However, Eph. 6:12 reminds us our conflict is not with people, but with spiritual things!! Christ defeated all our spiritual enemies, all we need to do is stand in this reality. When we choose to war with people, instead of the spiritual forces against us, it will eventually isolate and segregate us from the BODY of Christ.

Questions to ask ourselves in conflict:

What is attempting to wedge us apart? What has tried to sever our connection?


The goal of healthy conflict is re-connection, re-establishing the standard of love (1 Cor. 13:4–8)


So… how do we deal with conflict? Do we find ourselves fighting with people constantly? Physically, or the easier path, mentally!!! It’s simple to do! They say something, or do something, it rubs us the wrong way… POOF! We’re mad! Oh! And they intentionally did it!!! Now we have a ‘right’ to be mad! How dare they!

This is a common theme for just about anyone on the planet. We deal with conflict and conflict resolution, Every. Single. Day.


We know we need to control our reaction and we dial it down, but the offense is still there. We remember the Bible says, ‘Be angry, but do not sin, and do not let the day end with you still angry’ (Eph. 4:26); but…. we’re still offended. We want ‘justice’; that awesome kind, where they’re wrong in every way!


The problem is… it’s never the case; we also have some fault regardless if we see it.

You may not be responsible for the wrong done you, but you are always accountable for what happens after.

Jesus knew we would encounter conflict and so He lays out the foundation of handling conflict like a pro!! So, Jesus gave us four obligations in regards to conflict:

1. Forgiveness (Matt 18:34,35)

2. Pull the Beam (Matt 7:5)

3. Go to them (Matt 18:15)

4. Live in peace with all people (Rom 12:18, Heb. 12:14)


Forgiveness

This is the biggest, hardest and most important-est step! Forgiveness allows us to see through the offense and into the heart of the ‘offender’, but more importantly it frees us to love full throttle again!

Forgiveness is so critical because at no point do we have the ‘legal right’ to not forgive. In fact, when we won’t forgive, we actually reject the forgiveness that Christ extended to us first, read below:

“Then summoning him, his lord said to him, ‘You wicked slave, I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. Should you not also have had mercy on your fellow slave, in the same way that I had mercy on you?’ And his lord, moved with anger, handed him over to the torturers until he should repay all that was owed him. My heavenly Father will also do the same to you, if each of you does not forgive his brother from your heart.” Matt.‬ ‭18:32–35‬ ‭NASB‬‬

Refusing to forgive will actually TORTURE you (v. 34)! Not to mention that bitterness, resentment, hatred and INDIFFERENCE are all the fruit of un-forgiveness. I don’t know about you, but I have ZERO desire to be tortured by those thoughts or to carry those weights in my life, EVER!


Pull the Beam

Once we reset the standard, forgiving, we must turn within and ask Holy Spirit what in us needs addressing?

Remember, we externally project what we internally possess.

That ‘offense’ we feel may be pointing out the bigger issue within us, one we never thought to acknowledge! Simple questions to ask Holy Spirit and ourselves are:

“Why did that affect me so much and why was that negative action/speech/thought my ‘knee-jerk’ response?”


Go to your brother/sister

Jesus outlines the ‘how’ in Matt 18:15–18.

Following these steps, in order and whole-heartedly, is vital to living the healthy, abundant life Jesus promises us. Skipping or ‘doing it our way’ will never ‘cut it’; stick to the process:

1. Go alone, privately, to resolve the matter (v. 15). If unresponsive:

2. Bring one or two other people as mediators and witnesses to what is said; NOT to justify YOU (v. 16) If still unresponsive:

3. Go before the leaders of your church, and yes, present the issue before EVERYBODY!!! Remember though, the purpose of this is restoration and re-connectionNOT, “I’m pretty sure I’m right so tell them to admit it”.

Jesus then says if they still won’t listen and accept the leadership’s decision (including ourselves) in this ‘feud’, then consider that person an unrepentant sinner… whoa… seems harsh huh?

No actually, not at all. Remember those little ‘ole commands to forgive and make amends…

Jesus knew just how toxic un-forgiveness and grudges could be. Don’t forget the story of the unmerciful slave; for all we’ve been forgiven, we have a mandate to forgive even that much more!

Live in peace with all men

This may be the hardest part, but remember we are full of Christ’s love, the same love that keeps no record of wrong. We cannot live in peace, while keeping track of everyone who crosses us. This is a ‘false’ peace at best, and a direct violation of a simple command (I didn’t say ‘easy’ command). This last step requires utilizing the previous three constantly. We can absolutely live in peace with people if we’re extending out that Godly honor within!!!

The first two steps deal with the us, while the last two involve others. What’s the point?

If we do not fix us first, then we will constantly have the same issues, somehow, with all people; or worse, we’ll attribute this to BEing a Christian… “Suffering for Christ!

Yea no sorry, John Q. Public; you’re being stubborn and bringing those interactions upon yourself.

In closing

The goal of healthy conflict is re-connection, (fighting to connect) never to ‘win’; so remember:

1. Conflict is always two sided; we may not be responsible for what happened, but we are alway accountable for your actions after.

2. Unacknowledged conflict is absolutely unacceptable; unresolved, though, is utterly dependent on you. If we’ve done everything as Christ directed, then go in peace! The scripture is, “…as far as it depends on YOU, live in peace…”.

Some people we just can’t win with; some people we’ll even need to break ties with. Remember that step where we invite wise counsel to hear the issue out? Part of their responsibility is to discern if that relationship needs a break, or even an end!

Love y’all, and I pray this gives you solid tools to help navigate this amazing walk with God!

Stefan Bernard

Written by

I follow Jesus and like other stuffs too.

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