Warning! The following are the rambling rants written in the dark, late at night!
It’s been six days and four hours since I’ve been told “98% chance of at least Stage 2 cancer” followed by “I’m sorry”. Sh@t! I went for what I thought was an annual checkup and instead came home with one more disease on my plate.
I acquired Lupus at age 33, then at age 39 was diagnosed with the very rare disease Pulmonary Arterial Hypertension. Now life is handing me Cancer at age 49?? What is life trying to make me prove?! There were no tears. I’m either in shock or all cried out from years past. I told a friend that “it’s ok. I’ve been through worse”.
I was told to put my affairs in order ten years ago when I was diagnosed with Pulmonary Hypertension…to not get pregnant because it could kill me and that I had to wear oxygen full time. I by no means want to minimize cancer or anyone who has been affected by it but having chronic illness has just numbed me to this new diagnosis.
I now have the waiting game to get staged, which will determine the treatment and here we go again. Numbers and statistics that objectify a very personal experience. My life has been a struggle of ups and downs with each up a true battle to get to a good place mentally and physically. Yes, the last few years have been filled with conscious reminders of gratefulness, a steady diet of positive self talk, giving back to others and trying to find a purpose in all that has happened. But now my body has failed me when I finally feel strong after 10 years. So if I’m a little forgetful, tense, worried or just plain zoned out, keep in mind that my divided plate is filled with two incurable conditions and now freaking cancer!
Now to get some sleep so I can be a good Occupational Therapist to my patients who have no idea that I fight right beside them.